I'm just a girl in the world!

I went on a shoe shopping spree with my officemates last weekend at Paseo in Sta Rosa Laguna, please don't ask me how to get there because I was half asleep during our travel. We left quite early that morning and well, it was a weekend. But I could not bear the chance to pass this trip up since the prospect of being able to buy shoes was just too enticing. 

So yes, here's what I got...Charles and Keith for 799.00!

Everytime I'd pass by Gateway in Cubao I'd always drop by their store and drool on their shoes. But I always find it too expensive with prices ranging from 1799.00 to 2799.00, yes I'm stingy! And well yes, I am poor! So imagine my delight when I found this. There were a lot of other styles there and sale prices were from 599 to 999, dirt-cheap eh!

And then we went to Payless, my that's another story hihi!

Shoes were on sale from 20% off to just 200.00 pesos!

I got this, it's a chocolate brown Fioni sandals...(P200.00)

and this, some Gladiator-looking sandals (or is that what they still call it?). It's a half size bigger, because there are no other stocks with my size but it still looks alright. Or I can opt to give this to my mom.

(P200.00)

This one is my best find even though it's not on sale. But hey, it's red and velvety and very comfortable I could run away with it hehe :P

(P1250.00)

I love, love, love my new pairs shoes.

So i guess I'd go shop again next year. :p

That long arduous road to being slim again...:p

About 4 years ago i was this slim, kinda toned arms and legs, minimal almost non existent love handles. But i got too complacent, i learned to love food. I was once "takaw-tingin" but later became plain "matakaw" that i gained more pounds.

When i went to the US 2 years ago, i felt the added weight was necessary for better er, insulation. And we all know what a lot of American food does to our body, ey!

And so the added poundage accumulated, got comfortably stuck on my thighs, my butt, my arms as if it never wanted to go anywhere else.

I am barely 5 feet, i was about 100 lbs then it became 115, then 119, eek!

The heaviest I've been was about 130 but I was then carrying my son full term. :p

November, 2011 I was about 113 pounds so i decided it's time to really do something about it.

But of course, I waited for the long holidays to be over.

About two weeks ago, first week of February I decided to just kick the habit of overeating and do something with my voracious appetite, rawr!

I had to eat smaller portions and cut my rice intake to a maximum of a just half cup per day. I substituted it with wheat bread and lettuce and tomatoes and light mayo, just because i can't live without any dressing for my sandwich. And then i learned to appreciate wheat pasta.

I try hard to stay away from soft drinks even bottled juice.

I'm learning to eat a lot of bananas and papaya and apples.

Fairly recently I started taking 2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar diluted in a glass of water each morning.

So far I've lost 3 pounds already, ah well it has only been 2 weeks.

And I know I should go out and jog once again.

Meanwhile, I wanna take my own sweet time and concentrate on eating less but healthier food.

But oops, I still have my cheat day Thursdays, teehee! Good luck to me then.

I'll definitely keep you posted.  ;)

here comes the blog...

and so i got engaged!

i know it's been more than a week since the proposal but i'm still a bit floating and dreaming as i continue hearing well-wishers and even suggestions for the yet undated wedding. i am grateful for everyone though and everything is still overwhelming.

so how did it happen?

no, there weren't any frills, no fanfare, but i have to say i was a bit surprised. it was a Sunday, July 31 to be exact, we just got home from a really heavy lunch with friends and after tinkering with my laptop for a while he turned the TV off (which i barely noticed), sat beside me, held my hands and started telling me about quite a long list of people who actually knew what he was gonna say to me that very moment. heck, i didn't even know these people were his confidantes! i was bewildered for a while that when he finally asked, "will you marry me?" i merely hugged him and cried and said "shit! ! shit! shit!" that he asked me "are you really saying shit?" so yes, he had to ask me a second time because i didn't know that just like what we see in the movies I have to actually say "yes!" instead of just nodding and hugging him.

wedding preparations are in the works but we are not in a hurry yet to plan out the details after all it's still but a year before he could finally graduate and come back home to us. the girl in me continues to daydream and fantasize about our big day though but most likely we'll just have a formal but fairly simple event with close friends and family. what matters most is that in those dreams there's us and my little boy in it. we will surely keep you posted.

suffice it to say i feel like i'm the happiest girl in the world!

oh hai there!

i haven't really been blogging lately, hey i've been busy and facebook has taken over my internet life lol! but i do wish to come back soon, real soon...:)

granted!

mom and i had a sort of early mother's day gift when we were granted our US visa last May 3.

a few days before that i sort of panicked when Pres. Arroyo declared May 3 as a non-working holiday especially since my mom was already here in Manila and we have booked our plane tickets for the following day, she was to go back home to Iligan while i had my work assignment in Palawan.

that very early morning of May 3, we left the house and headed to the embassy at about 6am. our interview schedule was at 8am and we were instructed to be there at least an hour early. the cab driver even asked us if operations continue even with the declaration of the holiday, we told him we were going there para mamasyal lang. as we were nearing the embassy though we saw a lot people queuing already. i was both relieved and anxious at the same time.

for a little bit of background, i was already denied of a visa years back. i was granted a Guam-only visa back in 2002 but got denied when i applied again supposedly for a work assignment in 2004. i've never really tried applying again since i'm never really good at rejections.

early this year though, my sister suggested that i try it out again so i could visit her along with my mom. i kinda forgot about it till she reminded me about it again just a few weeks before the appointment. i didn't really get to prepare. my bank statements were requested that friday, my employment records were signed by my boss the night before the interview. my mom was more prepared though as she had a lot of documents with her. my sister was able to send us her supporting papers a week before.

anyway, we were interviewed by an an obviously pregnant african-american woman and this is how the interview went:

consul: is she your grandmother?

me: no, this is my mother.

c: oh, i'm so sorry!

my mom (in her Bisaya English): mother only not grandmother!

(awkward moment here hehehe)

c: so sorry again. what will you do in the US?

me: we'll be visiting my sister and her family.

c: (to my mom) have you ever traveled out of the country?

mom: yes, to Hongkong and China for an educational trip. i have a letter from my daughter.

c: no, i don't need to see anything. how long do you intend to stay in the US?

mom: 3-4 months. i have a letter from our bishop.

c: no, i don't need to see anything. i don't need to see anything.

(i had to nudge my mom, apparently hindi ko pala siya na brief na dapat isang tanong-isang sagot lang.

c turned to me and asked: what is your job?

me: i am the assistant project director of a non-government office, the ____ foundation.

c: how much is your salary?

me: around XX,000.00

c: what countries have you gone to?

me: I've been to Japan, Hongkong-Macau, Singapore, Guam, Thailand...

sumingit ang mom ko: Malaysia

nabitin pa ata sa interview si mama haha!

me: yes, Malaysia

c: you've been denied of a visa before?

me: yes, mam, that was for a work assignment.

c: what is it all about?

me: we are involved in gathering research materials for overseas Filipino workers.

c: are you still in the same kind of job?

me yes, mam.

c: do you intend to do this kind of work there?

me: no, not this time.

c: okay, you are both approved. please go to air21 at the pavilion for the delivery of your passports.

my mom and i slowly walked away in disbelief asking each other, "tapos na? yun na yun?"

sabi pa ng mom ko, naiihi ata yung buntis kaya nagmadali.

here are the many documents we brought with us, for documentation man lang at para may silbi kahit konti hehe...


i had some photos of Xan and the rest of the family just in case we'll be asked. my mom even brought receipts of our utility bills, etc..we rehearsed so many answers to whatever possible questions and just prayed...i guess this time luck was very much on our side.

i received our passports a couple of days ago and found out that we've been granted 10-year multiple entry visas.

experiencing summer

watching 500 Days of Summer made me realize that i am really not the pseudo-relationship type of girl. i could well relate with those free-willy, unlabeled, take-each-day-as-it-comes stuff but eventually both of you has to decide as to what the relationship should truly be about.

back in junior year, i learned this kinda big word from Fr. Dacanay for our Theo 131 class which is the "cathexis" from Scott Peck's the Road Less Traveled, it generally means "the collapse of one's ego boundaries". we let another person into our lives. we suddenly become bold and open, brutally frank and honest to this person. we are no longer coy in showing our true selves.

for a while i thought it so alien, so much more of a mystery to this rather proud self.

but you know what, time would come and you do find that person and have that eureka! moment.

you find yourself blushing and smiling by yourself. you would feel that icky, tingly sensations in your tummy. you might deem it as corny, cheesy, embarrassingly giggly but whether you admit it or not, being with the person and sharing yourself with them is just so freakishly wonderful.

but it doesn't end there. it should not end there. cathexis is not yet love.

one needs to decide to love.

love is not that bubble gum-my, strawberry scented feeling.

it involves a conscious act. an informed decision.

do you really want to go on waste each other's time playing and feeling giddy without really giving the other that security as to where it should lead to?

i once thought i could be that all-too modern girl who could feel all those wondrous feelings without having anything to hold on to.

to continue going on with the flow.

to merely allow it to take you wherever it is going to take you.

but labeling, boxing, putting words and tags in to what you have could actually make it feel so much better. you don't need to impose any more regulations, you only have to admit to both yourselves that "yes, i am with you, and i want you to stay with me",

and have that love story you have always wanted it to be.

otherwise, yeah, at some point in time you would have to let each other go and allow that person to find and be able to write the love story of their lives. and in the process, you open yourself up and get to find your own story too.

They made a statue of US!
The tourists come and stare at us
The sculptor's momma sends regards
They made a statue of us
and it's contagious
and it's contagious

Us (Regina Spektor)

serendipity

there is no such thing as an accident.


a few days before our scheduled staff retreat, i was quite in a quandary since all of the retreat masters i've asked politely declined one after the other. plus the long weekend came which made it more difficult for us to contact anyone. i did not want to give up. i didn't want to not have any retreat taking place. i have asked for this and was granted and i could not even organize it well? argh! a day before the retreat, i was advised to just ask for a written guide and use it for us to help each other out in the process, in short, no retreat master was going to accompany us but ourselves.

out of desperation, i chose 7 topics from what the Center for Ignatian Spirituality gave me (salamat po kay Fr. Cel Reyes, SJ) since there was 8 of us including my boss. i cut out small papers, labeled the topics and ask them to pick out a number. i was a bit ashamed when i told them i'm giving them an assignment for the retreat and they were supposed to present each process in their own way. thus, each one of us was going to be the retreat master. thankfully each one received their tasks with open hearts and open minds.

we proceeded to the resort and was greeted with a truly heavenly place. although the skies were a bit overcast, it actually contributed in giving us a more relaxed and attentive disposition. and i was more amazed at how each one was able to deliver, show their creativity and help bring out the emotions and the real feelings. i'd like to say it was the true guidance of the holy spirit. we were able to share ourselves and at the same time listen to each other.

on the first night after the first two sessions, i asked them to have a couple of drinks and continue with our sharing maybe and just relax. the resort's bar is open 24 hours btw. we ordered a pitcher of sex on the beach, the cocktail drink. there were 5 of us sharing the drink, while the two guys ordered beer. one son of the owners was there and he offered us sisig as a freebie, he jammed with us and even asked for song requests. we had such a great time. before we were supposed to call it a night he offered us another pitcher this time it was margarita. waah! but such freebie was so good to pass up eh? we finished the drink, talked, shared some more and finally crawled back to our cottage at past 3am! and my boss-pari who retired ahead said he woke up at just before 4am hehehe...

tried it once and never again.
ayoko na po ng sex on the beach kahit kelan!

i woke up with such a bad hangover. i was puking and feeling faint each time. one of my officemates cursed me for letting him drink haha! it was such a bad feeling i thought we could not go back into the retreat process anymore.

my boss-pari was laughing at us after hearing how much we've shared and opened up to each other. in vino veritas indeed. amidst headaches and some kremil-s and Filter's Take a Picture running in my mind that entire morning, i eventually felt better and washed the hangover with the piping hot sinigang we had for lunch. salamat po, Lord.

and the sun came out and we were able to take a stroll on the beach, take naps, went back to the sessions, reflected, prayed, shared, cried, and cried again.

we were a bit exhausted each time that we most often vented it out on food. ang sarap kumain! but then food at the resort was exceptional. each meal was and experience. we would always have to savor and relish and guess what kind of ingredient or spices the food has. even the sinigang had several flavors our taste buds could recognize.

on our last day, the sun continued to shine brightly that we were able to swim and enjoy the waters. it was a fun relaxing feeling.

to end our retreat, we had our simplified mass and more sharing on impressions and evaluations. everything came out well. as our boss said, the best retreat master is indeed ourselves and our Maker. what we needed was some guidance and everything just flowed freely and meaningfully.

it was a different kind of retreat. we were on the beach, we could enjoy to our heart's content, even allowing alcohol to serve as balms. we directed each other and learned from the other's life stories and realizations.

it was unorthodox and unconventional alright but the results proved to be more effective and caused more impact.

Indeed He has His own ways of unraveling His graces and most often we get to discover it in the most uncanny circumstances.

what to save?

i am currently staring at the stuff scattered around my room. i realize i have indeed accumulated a good number of things since my stay here last year. to think i have already lost and discarded more of my things from the many instances when i had to move from one place to another. after all, i must have moved homes more than 5 times for the past 16 years since i first came here in Manila (which also means i've been living here like half my life hmmm..)

i've been reading a lot about disaster preparedness lately. been trying to make a checklist as to what i should store and keep handy around the house in case an emergency arises. i realize i don't have a flashlight nor a candle. i don't have extra container/s for water in case the service is disrupted. i have enough food somehow to last me a few days. heck, i've been eating several times a day just to curb the nervousness and fear (yeah right!).

i have given already bagfuls of my clothes to charity. some of those items i'd have to close my eyes and not think twice before i chuck them into those bags. i thought i have given away most of my clothes back then to my nieces anyway. i have even had garage sales with some close friends before. purging one's closet can actually be cathartic. and yeah, it gives me the excuse to buy some more in case i'll once again have the urge to shop.

Typhoon Ondoy has become such an eye opener for most of us. it isn't just about the idea of mortality but also on how we hold on to our possessions. and how we've focused more on the finer things in life and neglecting the necessities.

exactly a week ago, i have been talking with friends and making plans on the parties, the events we could go to. fast forward to a couple of days ago, i could not even bring myself to go out and drink even with just the prospect of being able to meet up and hang out with friends. i was also contemplating on getting more stuff for my tiny home. more linens, an additional furniture perhaps. but such idea is so remote right now.

so what do i need to save in case i do need to evacuate in a flash? (God forbid!)

I don't know really.

must be my laptop (mostly because it's not mine). it conveniently contains most of my files.

my passport and all my other identification cards perhaps.

my cellphone and charger.

a few clothes.

my books! but they all seem so heavy.



oh wow, i don't know.



i just wish i won't have to be confronted with such a predicament ever.

i cannot possibly keep on buying anymore stuff. i won't be able to take them all with me anyway when the need arises.

i grieve for the people out there who just lost everything so quickly. some of them have been accumulated and saved for for years on end. maybe we should just stick to the basics and not have to spend so much on luxuries and everything else that are deemed disposable.

i really don't know. but i do know that as long as i will be able to save myself then i should be alright.

bliss!

my current comfort food...rich and chewy carrot cake from Bo's Coffee Club. best of all it is just 60 pesos, perfect for my ultra-low budget days!

Project Shoebox

this facebook feature of allowing us to tag our long lost friends when we post their photos is just so much fun. I am sure that most of us now are bent in looking for our old photos and having them scanned for us to upload. that is, if we haven't done it yet.

the past several weeks saw me scanning Tsak's numerous old photos and even his IDs from grade school to high school which made me green with envy. i lost most of mine kasi. he kept them all in a shoebox and i deem them totally precious. it's like having all his jewels in it. (no, not those kind of jewels, fool!)

it's actually a fun trip to his memory lane. it's like looking into a pensieve where i get to draw out one memory of his after another. each one must have its own story to tell that i could only wonder and ponder about.

when we went to my late friend, Bambie's wake last weekend, his parents showed us several albums of our photos which he took when we were in college. thus we spent our time going through them and laughing and teasing each other with how we look back then. we almost forgot we were in front of his casket as he laid there still while we continued recalling those wonderful moments.

we said we wanted to borrow them so we could scan them for all the others to see but his parents were much kinder to entrust them to us for safekeeping. They are now with Macoy and I'm sure he is now having a grand time looking and marveling at each photo.

Bambie is so right with what he wrote on my journal, which i quote:

Sa bawat litrato naramdaman ko na napatigil ko ang panahon at maari kung ariin ang panahong iyun. "Akin ito, alala ko ito!" Kahit paano ay nagtagumpay ako sa pagtipon ng ilang bahagi ng nakaraan sa akin.

i have partially done my own Project Shoebox a while back but i know i still have more photos out there somewhere which begs for my attention as well. i hope i could find them really soon before it gets into slow decay.

meanwhile, this also gives us the license to camwhore some more and capture more memories. life is indeed so short. and there's just so many events, so many people that we get to encounter each day that remembering all of them all at once can be too hard for our brains.

so here's to making more fond memories, more picture-taking, and yes, more scanning!

to never lose that sense of wonder

a friend pointed out (thanks, May!) that the quote in my multiply header actually came from the last lines in the finale of the Wonder Years, as narrated by its lead actor, Kevin Arnold:

"Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers, the next day you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a place, a town, a house, like a lot of houses. A yard like a lot of other yards. On a street like a lot of other streets. And the thing is, after all these years, I still look back...with wonder."

and now i am in search for dvds of the said tv show. meanwhile, i content myself with watching some clips in youtube.

*****************

when i was at ever gotesco the other day, it was scorching hot and i didn't quite know the place. then i learned that i'm gonna have to wait a bit longer. but instead of getting annoyed i actually got excited about being able to explore the place a bit. maybe it was just the wanderlust in me.

i walked around. felt the place. tried to step into the shoes of the people that i saw.

and although i was telling myself to feel bad and irritated i just could not bring myself to.

it was a weird feeling. both real and surreal.

back in college, a book by Jostein Gaarder called Sophie's World became such a phenomenon then. we talked about it, analyzed and even used it as supplementary reading for our philo classes. i heard there even became a time when teachers prohibited citing examples from the book anymore in explaining the different topics. i guess they just got fed up with bits and pieces from the book sprouting every now and then in the recitations and the exams.

but that was a long time ago so i wouldn't mind talking about the main thing that i've learned from this book. one big thing which i have been holding on to for the longest time, and it says:

"Life itself is like a magic trick, and philosophers must always observe it with wonder."

okay, i'm no philosopher but i believe that in order to enjoy and appreciate life to the fullest we must always let ourselves be amazed and in awe by the things that we see and are going on around us. kids are like this, they are always so inquisitive and appreciative upon seeing new things. most of us adults however have become more numb, more jaded of the many wonders of life.

we get irritated, feel impatient, be annoyed fairly easily.

we lose faith, give up, get depressed.

and although it is also part of human nature to feel all these negative thoughts, we may also have to find ways to go around it and find some other more worthwhile things to dwell on.

because indeed there are always worthwhile things to dwell on.

something to smile about.

like an image of a guy in red who looks so apologetic for having made you wait and walk, who rushes on to meet you and you both squint under the heat of the afternoon sun, and give each other bear hugs. and you melt. and everything else just gets lost in oblivion.

it is still a weird wonderful feeling. both real and surreal.

************************


Trivia from IMDB about the movie The Chronicles of Narnia:

Georgie Henley's (Lucy Pevensie) reaction to Mr. Tumnus at the lamppost is genuine. She had not seen her cast mate James MacAvoy, in his costume before the scene was filmed, so her screams and reaction were real. Georgie's first reaction to the snowy world of Narnia is also genuine - she was carried into the set blindfolded to make her first entrance, and her wide-eyed, delighted reactions to it all are entirely her own.

not just because it's the mother's day

i hate to admit it but i believe i suck at being a good daughter.

i actually am grouchier when my mom is around. little things, little quirks about her irritate me some bit. but i just have to put up with it because after all she is still my mother and i still owe a lot to her, right?

i feel insecure about my misgivings. i don't even earn enough for me to be able to give her more. i still hope i could give her more pretty things, more grand surprises. but nah, i always feel broke when i start thinking about what to give her.

and i'm so envious that she gets to spend more time with Xan. that every time she comes home Xan would squeal and hug and kiss her as if he hasn't seen her for days. Xan just adores her. not that i blame her of course.

i'd like to believe though that in more ways than one, we abhor our mothers because we love them so much. that all those things we hate about them we get to imbibe still. more often than not, most of us actually become more like our mothers slowly but most definitively.

oh darn it, why am i ranting in this supposedly good occasion. i am terribly missing Xan so i'll just have to try to become a good daughter at least. and yeah, i need to try harder.

happy mother's day to all mothers!

being a mother is such a blessing, pains and all. i sometimes wish i brought Xan into this world the most painful, most natural way. not that i'm being a masochist just that there's something truly poetic and noble in experiencing all those labor pains.

anyway, i am sending my greetings too to those women who are not blessed with biological children but continue to nurture and take care of the people around them.

i also greet them men who have taken the responsibility of caring and rearing their children in the absence of the mothers.

the very essence of a woman might be to become a mother, to bear kids and take care of them. but over and above that, our essence is still about being able to nurture, to touch people's lives through our warmth and caring nature.

and i'm saying this because i don't want to rob some women, who are not able to give birth, or have decided not to have children, of their nature of existence and their very essence in this world.

drowning myself in jologsness

rushed up the three flights of stairs to my home last night to catch the American Idol performance night only to find out that it's been delayed a full 30 minutes. oh well, there's still All About Eve at 10pm and Fated to Love You, a Chinovela right after that. I caught a bit of Ang Babaeng Hinugot sa Aking Tadyang (what a title!) and couldn't think how could a mother name her child Proserfina haha!

Well, heto na nga ang sked ko lately na naka alarm pa sa phone ko. especially live airings of Amazing Race on Mondays at 8am in Studio 23. Back home in Iligan i got to catch the dramarama sa hapon on GMA with my mom and watched Tarzariray with the Sex Bomb Girls haha! Grabe ang producers ng show nila, di ko na nga mabilang kung pang ilang season na iyan. Kung ano ano ng roles pinapagawa sa kanila. Here, Rochelle portrays a taong-gubat complete with long, unkempt hair, tattered dress and cloth sandals/footwear. i wonder what they could think of next? hmmm....

All About Eve on primetime though is another thing. It's a Filipinized Koreanovela which i got to catch too years ago hihihi...ang cute ni Nicole doon at sobrang nakakaasar si Erika. This Filipino version is starred by Isa Calzado who i love dearly, and Sunshine Dizon as the detestable Erika. Ang galing ng casting, at ang ganda ganda ni Isa as Nicole . And Mark Anthony Fernandez is adorable as their Prince Charming. Hihi i can't help but giggle.

Sadly, natanggal na yung fave ko sa AI sniff-sniff. The results show will still be aired tonight but i couldn't help myself but peek online. oh well...

I'm still looking forward to my favorite shows on local TV each night. and i would like to enjoy this moment which makes me as normal like everyone else.

yellow

i want a yellow swimsuit this rainy summer.

why does it have to start raining so soon? my skin ain't even sunkissed yet.

i remember back in college, i'd paint my nails yellow when the rains would start coming.

i want something sunny and warm.

i'm hating all this gloom.

i still have a caramoan trip next weekend.

i really still want to go back to bora.

i still want more summer trips.

i want my sun!

kumpisal

forgive me father for i have sinned, nanood po kasi ako ng pirated DVD ng Wolverine: x-men origins. oh so sorry, i couldn't help it, malinaw po kasi ang kopya at hindi sine-copy, yung usual na kuha mula sa sinehan at may dumadaan daan pang tao o kaya may maririnig kang tumatawa. sabi ng pamangkin ko, ayos lang daw kahit ganun basta ang naririnig na side comments eh i-slang naman weheheh...well, eto, wala talaga as in parang original DVD sa halagang kuwarenta pesos lamang, saan ka pa!

the catch is, it's still the unedited version. sabi ng brother ko, ninakaw daw ang master copy nito at ito na nga ang naikalat. meron ng mga na upload sa internet pero mas madami nga ang nakopya. talamak na nga talaga piracy sa buong mundo. blame it on the chinese haha!

anyway, back to the movie, ayoko magbigay ng spoilers siyempre sapagkat ninanais ko pa siyang panoorin sa sinehan, kelan ba ito ipapalabas? ang napanood ko ay kita pa ang mga tali ng bida, kita pa yung mga raw computer generated graphics, nung nasagasaan ang isang bida eh parang karton lang yung pinakita. puti pa halos ang mga background, parang black and white drawings lang hehe. yan na nga po ata ang kaparusahan ko, sana naman.

kasama na pala dito si Gambit played by Taylor Kitsch, honestly hindi ko siya kilala. i was thinking of someone more gaunt, of a more sinister actor, oh well.

panoorin ko po siya uli sa sine, pramis.

amen.

laziness is a virtue

this is one thing i hate about staying put, aside from feeling nostalgic i would eventually feel all sorts of pain and discomforts in my body.

i have been told to slow down after complaining from feeling numbness and pain on my right chest, shoulders and arms. i have forgotten i had surgery on that area three years ago and it's reminding me now of that procedure i had then.

i read on the news last night that Jennilyn Mercado was rushed to the hospital "kasi bumuka ang tahi niya"! :Eek: how the heck did that happen? i remember my brother had to stop me from doing sit-ups/crunches even after 6 months when i had Xan. well, i already felt well enough at that time and i didn't know there was going to be any risk factors.

i know i've been sleeping most days lately. i have been almost sedentary because i haven't jogged since the warm air of summer came. but still they say i need to take it easy. i can't carry heavy stuff most especially on my right arm. argh, i don't know how that's going to work. at least i will be going home soon and will be on vacation. but i don't think i could ever stop myself from carrying Xan who is now more than 30 kilos, eh!

i might need to take pain relievers though i'm still a bit hesitant. my eldest sister told me i have been addicted to morphin for a while a few days after my CS operation. nakaka high pala talaga yun hihi.

i'm thinking of other pain management therapies, much as i adore Dr. Gregory House, i don't think i'd ever want to be addicted to vicodin.

i ask my friends around and i could hear a bunch of other health concerns too. yeah, yeah, yeah, signs of aging indeed!

nostalgic

i was just starting to read the first few chapters of Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood and got to that part when the college guy Watanabe was exchanging letters with this girl, Naoki. I stopped and remembered i had some mementos i had from college. i stood up and found myself rereading those letters/scrapbook/test papers which i have saved from home. i became teary-eyed, well yeah, i have changed a lot since i had Xan. tears would well up even at the slightest provocation. heck, i even felt like crying when Jasmine was booted out of Am Idol and i don't even like her!

okay that was a bit of a distraction.

i read my theo reaction papers and was ashamed with what i wrote.

i leafed through my philo exams and missed Thirdy again. Thirdy was my teacher in Philo 101 and 102, yeah, i had a big crush on him more so because he made me fall in love with philo and with the Tagalog dialect. each class with him was like an entire Balagtasan session. i did meet Thirdy again years after college and he proudly showed me his wedding ring, ouch. but he did invite me to visit him in his office and talk Philo with him again sometime. well i never got the chance. those were them rotten days when i was always gallivanting around tsk, tsk.

i read a letter from Mario who was a batch lower but who happened to be one of my closest friends especially because he never called me ate haha! he was more like a partner in crime. he's letter was more of an answer to my birthday card to him which also asked, "kumusta ka?" well, with our penchant for giving out solid answers for this rather simple yet deep question he sent me a 3 page back to back letter recounting his day to day activities. those must be one of those rare times when we were able to catch up with our lives. serendipitously, i happened to catch him walking around campus last year with his then gf now wife, Gemma. thus i was able to catch his wedding a few weeks after that. hadn't it been for that chance meeting i could have missed that great event in his life. awww.

i saw another letter this time from Cherry, it recounted more her days in East Timor when she went there for a mission. i remember she went there after graduation for some soul searching, naks. that time she was contemplating on becoming a nun, but of course she got married to her bestfriend Macoy. I read some parts there where she said she was glad I have forgiven her, well, uhm, i didn't know we fought. Tang, what the hell did i do?? Haha!

then i saw my "something". something is the scrapbook i had when we went into the second sem of our senior year. it is like a logbook where we could write anything and everything in there. i passed it around my friends and they would write/draw/doodle/ write poems/songs whatever. Winfer wrote several notes and poems there. he told me how grateful he was that i was there during the Eheads fiasco. which led me to wracking my brains as to what that was all about? i knew they lost money there. i just forgot why and how.

i read Bambie's letter too ranting more about what must be life without the rest of us from the batch. and he said it must be "one dull day after another"...naks. Bambs, i know you've always wanted to preserve most of our memories by taking so many photos then. i know i said i had some of the negatives with me, and i remember i had them i just don't know where they are now. waah! i still have some snapshots here though. i've scanned some of them and i could send you copies if you want. when i go home again, i'll try to look for them again in my piles and piles of stuff back home. i'm sorry.

Donnie had a rather cute post there, he said that friendships are not supposed to end even if we're all far apart. buti na lang may multiply, ayan we've reconnected haha!

just atop Donnie's note was a caricature from Macoy with words that said, " i've watched sunsets with you and a few sunrises as well. they were the most beautiful sunsets (and sunrises) of my life. i think." sa likod ng Faura, before Prince David and Burgundy were up, we had the most beautiful conversations and reflections there while waiting for the sun to set. those were the goddamn good days indeed.


i miss Doms, my other trusted friend who painstakingly tutored me in math 11 and taught me philo even when we were still in freshman. yeah, Gabay made us study philo for four years hehe. we both worshipped Ayn Rand and followed her principles to the hilt. we were always the outcasts because we preferred going our own ways. i greeted him on his birthday a few weeks ago and he replied with another "kumusta ka?" to which i haven't replied till now. hmm...

Mike P., do you rememeber how they used to call us the "three rotten eggs"? Yikes, Mike P, my poor "soul". I don't think i was ever a good enough "angel" for you.

i recall how we had such grand times. but i regret more how selfish i was. i don't even recall anymore as to what really happened back then. i was so self-absorbed.

i was such a troubled soul and i couldn't even remember why. was it youthful folly? was i homesick? or was i just plain KSP?

i look back and realize how i could have studied more and gotten better grades. but i guess i was more emotional than industrious. i loved studying only the things that truly fascinated me. i only superficially memorized the ones i didn't feel like learning. okay, i'm just justifying my poor grades. well i graduated anyway, what the heck.

i wish i could have been more friendly instead of being indifferent. i could have been warmer instead of being snobbish to people.

but then again i'm glad who i was. i had the greatest friends. the very few who knew me actually understood me, i hope.

i wish i was able to write more letters or notes. i wish i could still have more mementos for me to go through and recall all those great times again.

i wish, i wish...but more than anything else i'm glad i had those things for me to recall all those memories that passed us by.

can i borrow your dad or a grandpa?

i grew up from a family bereft of male figures. i didn't really get to know my grandfathers.

i lost my dad when i was 18.

i only have one brother.

i've always wondered what it's like being surrounded and taken cared of by men.

i was always with male friends as my barkada. i was one of the boys.

imagine my awe when i saw Clint Eastwood's latest flick, Gran Torino. i can't help but say, "Wow i'd want a grandpa or a dad like him! Cool! "

reminiscent of his Dirty Harry spunk and the muy romantico essence from Bridges of Madison County, Clint Eastwood is a sight to behold here. in this film he is not Clint Eastwood, the actor. He is Mr. Walt Kowalski, the Korean War veteran.

i have no more encouraging words for now, just go watch it. i'm still puffy eyed. it's such a great piece of work. and i'm glad to say that with young people dying these days, falling one by one like flies, this actor and director is still way up there and giving us more movies to watch out for.

out of boredom

it's past 4am and i can't sleep. my mind is teeming with thoughts.

i would have to say that i have indeed gotten older. age has finally caught up with me. i can feel it creeping in. i now realize that the world i am standing on is not as sturdy as i believe it was. i once thought and believe that nothing much could affect me. i have always been too arrogant, too proud, too nonchalant. i have always considered myself as some golden child, that nothing unfortunate could ever happen to me no matter how carefree i could be.

after that hold-up incident on my birthday night i have to admit i am forever shaken. i will always be scarred. it is mostly after that when i have opened my eyes and saw harsh realities around me. they finally hit home. all these police reports news which we mostly consider as crap now matter.

on my first day here in manila after last holidays vacation i didn't go out to jog around campus. well it was really cold, but most of all i am still scared shitless. i still have the image of some guy in a red jacket and a red cap poking some gun on my face.

when i went home that night, i saw a kid snatched something from some older guy and ran. the guy ran after him and oh, how i was praying so hard that he'd get caught and be mauled to death, i don't care. i must have been shivering when i got home. not from the cold but more from fear.

i had dinner last night with some friends and on my way home we passed by some mob and i automatically locked the cab door. there was a car accident and a lot of people milled around. i on the other hand was afraid that some guy would open my door or break the windows. i told the driver to just go on and rush ahead.

sigh, it is never easy. i know some people had it worse. that this is but part of the harsh realities of life and it should not stop me from still believing in the goodness of man. maybe because i have been sheltered too long. or i have only been exposed to the best, most goodnatured of people. i blame it on my profession then. but now i know i just can't breathe in all the good news all the time.

i saw the curious case of benjamin button tonight and cried on the first 5 minutes. a man longing for his son who he lost to war crafted a watch that turns counterclockwise in the hope of bringing his son back. that must be love in its truest sense.

and it must be love which made a Creole lady keep some abandoned monster of a baby for herself and rear him till the very end even with his most bizarre characteristics. and it is the love story between Benjamin and Daisy which weaves this movie as a whole. I can't help but be reminded of Forrest and Jenny. a kind of love which is forever enduring and understanding no matter what the circumstances are. and each character has their own important story to tell about living and loving.

I say life is after all never boring. and this is quite a revelation for someone like me who in my younger years would always complain about being bored and feeling empty. life is indeed so rich and people's lives are all interesting. and since most of our lives get to intertwine anyway our life becomes as enriched as everybody else's.

when i left the cinema, all i really wanted to do was kiss Xan and tell him how much i love him and how sorry i am that i couldn't be there when he might need me the most. i realize now that at least i am actually capable of loving. that i know how it is to really care for people. that i could utter words of prayers for their safety and well being just about anytime. that night on my birthday, i could not bring myself to scream or fight back because i fear for the safety of my nieces and my nephews. i realize that night how much i love them and how much they mean to me.

i was talking to a friend tonight and he was telling me how lonely he is. i so wanted to tell him to go back to his family, to treasure his kids, to feel what love really is all about. but of course i could not. i after all don't know everything still. sometimes all we can do is listen. and pray for things to get better for everyone else.

it is indeed a tough world. it maybe harsh but it can still be beautiful. all we really have to do is be stronger and believe in the greater power of love. because as Momma Queenie would aptly say. " You never know what's comin' for ya!"

perhaps my dancing days are over...

got home almost 5am this morning from some dinner/drinks/dancing/coffee with great friends. after some riotous dinner and drinks at pier one at the fort some of us trooped down to metrowalk for more action. we ended up at elbow room where some of us had a couple of rounds of billiards while we took pics just about everywhere.

and when some of us decided to call it a night, a few of us stayed for some partying at decades. the place was teeming with kids, i could barely breath from the smoke and i truly hated the hiphop/rnb music.

okay, for some little bit of history (okay, like a decade ago), i used to be a constant fixture on the dance floor hihi. i'd go crazy over night outs that involved booze, great dancing lights and music, and a dance floor regardless if it's that wide or cramped. oh well, the cramper the better actually. sometimes my friends or even my brother would have to pull me away once i start dancing with strangers girls or boys wehehe...because in actuality, i don't really care who i dance with. out there on the dance floor, it's really just me and the music and that heady feeling of moving and swaying with the music.

i've had my fill of dancing on ledges and on top of the chairs and tables. i remember going up to some table in streetlife-makati just to be able to face the band and dance with them...wehehe...i've got equally dancer-ous friends and company as well. there was this one time at dencio's near abs-cbn when a waiter approached us when we started dancing near our tables, bawal daw kasi resto iyun at hindi disco! eh bakit naman kasi nagpapatugtog ng danceable hits!

we used to call it "going to the disco" now they call it "clubbing" or "partying". but you know what, it's still the same thing. people gyrating and bumping bodies with their partners or with strangers, breathing the same smoke that's wafting in the air. swaying to the same moves from years back. and moving with some remixes that sounds just the same anyway eek!

oh well, maybe i could have appreciated it more had they play house/techno music. i can't stomach the likes of mariah, rihanna, beyonce, etc. really. sorry.

i've to admit though that some bones in me did shiver in excitement as soon as i stepped into the floor once more. it's like coming home but it's not really the same thing anymore. malabo, pero basta yun. baka kasi tumatanders na lang talaga ako.

speaking of...here's my only birthday pics which was taken from my camphone. lecheng holdaper iyun, sana naman i upload niya birthday pics ko para i grab ko na lang.

with my banoffe pie and xan's birthday candle hehe...


belated habeerday to me!

great thanks to everyone who sent their messages via texts, ym, emails, friendster, multiply messages. for the calls and hugs and kisses and gifts and prayers and everything nice. i know i'll be okay because i'll always have all of you anyway. mwah!