Hello, February!

I saw this online while browsing on some reading materials and I want to share this because it's just so beautiful...:)

It's by Eduardo Jose Calasanz, he was a known professor in philosophy from Ateneo.

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I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives.

    When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering days and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.

    And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles.

    It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the others habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other?

    The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages. Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side.

    This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.

    The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept up into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.

    This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each other's company over the long term.

    If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new.

    Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together.

    After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other.

    Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance does not become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood.

    There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates.

    So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe.

    Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come.

    If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed.

    We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter.

    But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presence, two separate consciousness come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains. But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex.

    So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom...endlessly.

because i love this commercial and i don't really think there's anything wrong with it. aren't kids supposed to be shallow and cute? what's wrong with it? why does it have to be pulled out, why? pray tell!

experiencing summer

watching 500 Days of Summer made me realize that i am really not the pseudo-relationship type of girl. i could well relate with those free-willy, unlabeled, take-each-day-as-it-comes stuff but eventually both of you has to decide as to what the relationship should truly be about.

back in junior year, i learned this kinda big word from Fr. Dacanay for our Theo 131 class which is the "cathexis" from Scott Peck's the Road Less Traveled, it generally means "the collapse of one's ego boundaries". we let another person into our lives. we suddenly become bold and open, brutally frank and honest to this person. we are no longer coy in showing our true selves.

for a while i thought it so alien, so much more of a mystery to this rather proud self.

but you know what, time would come and you do find that person and have that eureka! moment.

you find yourself blushing and smiling by yourself. you would feel that icky, tingly sensations in your tummy. you might deem it as corny, cheesy, embarrassingly giggly but whether you admit it or not, being with the person and sharing yourself with them is just so freakishly wonderful.

but it doesn't end there. it should not end there. cathexis is not yet love.

one needs to decide to love.

love is not that bubble gum-my, strawberry scented feeling.

it involves a conscious act. an informed decision.

do you really want to go on waste each other's time playing and feeling giddy without really giving the other that security as to where it should lead to?

i once thought i could be that all-too modern girl who could feel all those wondrous feelings without having anything to hold on to.

to continue going on with the flow.

to merely allow it to take you wherever it is going to take you.

but labeling, boxing, putting words and tags in to what you have could actually make it feel so much better. you don't need to impose any more regulations, you only have to admit to both yourselves that "yes, i am with you, and i want you to stay with me",

and have that love story you have always wanted it to be.

otherwise, yeah, at some point in time you would have to let each other go and allow that person to find and be able to write the love story of their lives. and in the process, you open yourself up and get to find your own story too.

They made a statue of US!
The tourists come and stare at us
The sculptor's momma sends regards
They made a statue of us
and it's contagious
and it's contagious

Us (Regina Spektor)

Filipino Time

i hate waiting. i know it's a seemingly simple act but i do find it excruciating. i am generally patient with life but i simply hate it when i have to wait for something or someone.

i remember a long time back when we had a staff meeting but we could not start yet since one of the staff has not arrived. we all sat uneasily inside my boss' office, sat in silence and waited. then my office mate came in panting and apologetic but my boss seethed and said, "you don't do that again! have you no respect for other peoples' time?"

that just struck me. and i would remember it each time i have to wait up for someone.

respect for someone else's time... in meetings with friends or even for business meetings, we don't really have an exact time schedule right? we don't say 8pm instead it's dinner time or 8ish or between 8-9. and yet some people would arrive at 10pm, lol!

did you know that a year ago, Pres. Arroyo actually came out with an order that says November should be the National Consciousness Month for Punctuality and Civility? yes, there is such an order. maybe it's really about time we try to be punctual and not have to make people wait up for us unless we give advance notices. what's the use of mobile phones anyway.

i don't know why it has be on November. must be because the days are extra colder and it becomes such added effort to get up earlier? or maybe because DST in other parts of the world starts to take effect. whatever.

i am a bit guilty of being late too especially during mornings which is exactly why i don't like making appointments in the wee hours when my senses are still asleep. otherwise we have alarm clocks to SuperPoke us silly just for us to get up, don't we?

anyway, here's something from Lourd De Veyra which i caught on the news weeks ago. by the way, i am also currently hooked on ABC 5's TEN, i find their news bits more interesting and their discussions and commentaries more engaging. ;)

i used to love her

so i heard the warrant of arrest had been served and she will have to post bail while the case gets to court.

( pardon me, i'm not so familiar with court procedures. heck, i only lasted one sem of law school thinking i'd only drown myself in the technicalities.)

i am still in awe over what has happened. it has been almost three years after all. i searched for my previous blog posts thinking i might have posted anything about it but found none. now i'm feeling this urgency to create one if only to understand how it all happened. but i realize how difficult recalling those things are now.

the trauma, the drama.

let me just start with a little backgrounder, and nope, please don't make me name names.

we had a co-employee in the office back then. she was considered a bit of an ogress when i first started working. she acted warm and happy when i was around. but i was told that she loved saying stuff about me. threatened? i was barely 22, she was in her 50s. but i don't know how she had considered me a threat.

i've always been indifferent. i'm not the ass-kisser type who'd make pa cute when i need to have something done. i'd get to work, do my stuff and rarely does small talk.

then i heard her say that i'm "mayabang because my mom is a friend of our boss".

i brushed it off. Irrelevant!

then she said,. i'm "mayabang because i'm atenista."

now what the hell! lol!

and because i remained unfazed she said i'm merely mayabang. heheheh.

i didn't really care. instead i found ways to get to know her. i am after all a sucker for older people. i just adore them. in short, binobola ko. "wow, nice dress; nice shoes; naka make-up!" etc...

we somehow became friends for a while. although of course there was always this sense of wariness because i was often reminded by my peers to stand guard. she after all has this very shady character. we were pretty okay for years.

things changed much when i had to announce i was having Xan.

she appeared surprised yet happy for me. gave me a lot of unsolicited advice, even gifts and money. i welcomed it feeling happy that i at least had a mother figure i could rely a bit on. i was vulnerable. i was with child. unwed. emotional.

i felt like i needed every support i could have.

i trusted her amidst all those warnings.

i was supposed to leave work already once the project commenced. my boss was ready to drop me off because of what happened to me. i was after all in a Jesuit-run project and my situation could have an adverse effect on it. i didn't understand it much but i gave in.

i was ready to go.

when i had to take my maternity leave she was reportedly very happy. she would sit on my desk and exclaim how nice that spot was.

then she took over managing a big event for our project.

she wasn't even my assistant.

then i learned that she was also verbally harassing my staff. she fought with one of them and was told "walang modo kasi anak ng OFW."

my assistant was called "asal squatter", to think she lives just a little distance from them.

and of course, i'm special...i was called "immoral". she went around telling old friends and acquaintances about it.

i couldn't even begin to describe the emotions i've had back then. i was so ready to leave my job.

and then my boss asked me to stay. he said they had a change of heart. that they have decided to just forgive me and take me back. i didn't have to leave anymore.

So I stayed.

But more irregularities were found about her.

my boss consulted with the board and his peers. investigations ensued, labor cases were filed, and he just stopped talking and ignored her completely.

she was left in the dark. i believe she doesn't know how she got to where she is now. she could only continue guessing.

i am cringeing at the thought that if she hasn't posted bail then it means she must be behind bars now.

poetic justice indeed.

yeah, i have been immoral. it is a stigma i have to carry on for the rest of my life just like the surgical scar on my tummy where Xan came out. but at least i will only have wonderful dreams about my son.

she can only continue to give us nightmares and bad memories.

and so this is the part when i just want to continue with my GnR song...

but i had to kill her. i had to put her six feet under.

realization

i've been to so many places here in the country, even the remotest ones as well.
and i've come to realize that wow, the most barbaric women we have are not found on the country side but here in our urban jungle.

precisely on the MRT. on a rush hour.

wow, i've never felt so mobbed.

greatly reminds me of this video from a Japanese show.



oh while at it, you might want to see this as well.



how i pity those who have to brave this situation each and every day of their God-forsaken lives. My gravest sympathy.

held for the stupidest of reasons?

or could they be right after all?

i was not allowed to get into the lrt from cubao to katipunan tonight because i had in my possession two small canisters of butane gas for my stove which i bought at shopwise. they said it could explode inside the train.

so tell me, is there any truth to this?

i've been doing this for almost a year now and it is only now that they have stopped me from getting into the train. grrr! i had to take a cab instead.

i'm not being mayabang here but for the two weeks that i was in Japan and riding their trains everyday, no one bothered to check our bags. there was no queue on the entrance to the turnstiles unlike here where it could get ridiculously long.

are we being too obsessive with our security? or are we just being stupid?

i remember when i was in iligan, at the height of those bombings, i was not allowed to get inside the mall because i had with me my laptop. wtf! so a laptop is now considered dangerous? i asked the security guard why and he could not give me a logical explanation except that he was just following orders. i told him they should just ban mobile phones instead because these are being used as bomb timers anyway, but laptops?
and oh they don't allow ipods and mp3 players as well.

back to the lrt, did you know that you are not also allowed to enter if you are lugging a big travelling bag of a specific dimension with you? like if you want to save and travel to the airport via the trains with your luggage forget it. you'd be most likely denied entry.

there was a girl before who had with her a can of century tuna supposedly for her baon, she was not allowed entry as well bwahaha!

so tell me again, is there a scientific or logical explanations for all this restrictions?

or is this another "onli in the pilipins" thing?

honesty is such a lonely word...

this little shop off some small town of Ivana in Batanes opened up in the 80s and is mostly unattended. a pricelist is posted at the wall along with instructions on how everything is supposed to be self-service and the customer can just pick up the desired product to purchase and drop the payment on some box. there is no provision for change so one must give the exact amount or leave the rest as donation.



there is nothing much to see here but a few trinkets as souvenirs and basic snack items as biscuits and junk food and coffee.


last december some news broke out that this little cafe got looted out by some unidentified men. apparently it was the second theft incident for the store but they would rather not report it to the police as they tend to mute it anyway.

true enough we asked some people around town and they don't even know about it. and somehow they have become quite nonchalant about petty crimes and lawlessness these days. perhaps there is really no such thing as a zero-crime community in this day and age.

in spite of that though i still can't help but be overwhelmed by the peacefulness of the place not to mention the warmth of its people. just about anybody would stop by on their tracks and greet you. little kids could just run around the street and feel so safe. i was thinking that this must be the best place to rear Xan, wow, i would not need to lock him up our gates and there won't be any need for me to worry about his safety wherever he chooses to run and skip and play about.

i realize how therapeutic this trip has become for me. there is indeed no such thing as a perfect world. no such thing as utopia. evil still abound even in the most serene places. but seeing the goodness in the eyes of those i've met and known even for a short while only makes me want to still believe in the intrinsic nature of man to do and be good to one's fellow. there will always be hope anywhere and everywhere.

raves

thanks to mommy haze who gave me this link about some nivea online contest which i just answered on one of my lull moments. as i did get the prize yi-ha! the funny thing is i couldn't access the website anymore when it was where i got to answer the promo quiz in the first place. if i remember well, we only had to submit a picture of a celebrity that we look up to and justify on what makes that celebrity impressionable. i sent a very much preggy photo of Heidi Klum for not only being a supermodel but a supermom and a super wifey to Seal as well. with that i got these!:






from their Summit office, i search the stores again for my ever elusive itim na balde hehehe...but to no avail still. so i boarded the bus and hopped off at the nepa Q mart and lo and behold there was an array of baldes in all colors and sizes and with black ones of course. and it was sold for only fifty pesos hahaha! so here it is finally!





and these are its bathmates





i also got a few rugs for 20 pesos a piece and a curtain set for 180 pesos. i'll definitely go back there for more of my houseware needs. yey!

gone but will never be forgotten

i've always been mercurial when i'm PMSing (sorry TMI, guys!), i could be ecstatic now and just downright depressed in a few moments.

i woke up feeling alright, i felt light and raring to work or watch a movie or just do about anything i want to do. i'm planning out things, i'm preparing my sched for the next months and i'm just so excited with finally being able to go where i want to go this summer. i was alright.

then while browsing through the different threads in pex, i chanced upon this thread and browsed through. and i realized i shouldn't have most especially after reading this poem:

Funeral Blues
W.H Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

I first heard of this in the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral. I've somehow forgotten what the movie is all about but reading this poem once again just made me really, really sad. Because i happen to have used this in my journal years back when my dad passed away.

and i suddenly miss him so much.

and i remember it was his birthday last april 5 and i totally forgot about it.

i remember struggling too long for most of my college life blaming myself for being such a bad daughter. he was sick for a long, long time and i remember fleeing from reality for most of the time then. for i preferred immersing myself with activities in school and being with my friends rather than being by his side where he needed me most.

i practically grew up having him around. i used to sleep beside him as a kid. i used to wait for him after work for our daily walks till the sun sets. i used to wait up for him if only to report whoever kid fought with me that day no matter how trivial the fight was. i would already be crying even before i could tell him who and why i got hurt.

when he got sick, was in and out of the hospital, became bedridden for almost 10 years it was just my mom who took care of him. i went away for most of the time. i didn't want to see him sick and weak and unable to talk even. it broke my young heart seeing him just slowly slipping away.

when he passed away just right after my 18th birthday i was away from home. i wasn't able to go home that christmas break thus i wasn't even able to greet him that one last time.

a lot in me changed since then. i've always been so insecure. i've always felt so remorseful. and i never had any decent interest for any guy as i didn't really want to be close to anyone if only to see them leave once again.

it was only during my senior year, during my college retreat when i was finally processed by our spiritual director. all those years of blaming myself, of being sorry and regretful for not having been with him for a long time before he finally left was finally poured out. and i somehow made peace with him and myself.

but i still have these bouts once in a while.

there is always this fear of being left behind.

but i have learned to just appreciate, make the most of what i got and just be grateful for any wonderful relationships that come my way.

which reminds me of one other song which i find really beautiful but sad too. i'm just really hoping and praying that i won't ever have the need for these type of songs anymore:



Deep Inside of You
Third Eye Blind

When we met, light was shed
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you

A wind chime voice sound
Sway of your hips round rings true
It goes deep inside of you

These secret garden beams
Changed my life, so it seems
A fall breeze blows outside
I don't break stride, my thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you
Oh yeah

And I never felt alone, alright
Oh oh, till I met you

Friends say I've changed
I don't listen 'cuz I live to be
Deep inside of you

Slide of her dress
Shouts in darkness, I'm so alive
I'm deep inside of you

You said, "boy make girl feel good"
But still, deep inside
Still

I've never felt alone
Till I met you
I'm alright on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do
If I just knew what's coming

I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them
And I'd say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you

And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you
'Cuz I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you, and it's true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me

But we were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know

Something's gone, you withdraw
And I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you

I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare
At a ghost deep inside of you

And some great need in me
Starts to bleed
I've lost myself, there's nothing left
It's all gone
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you

brain drain/brain gain

our accountant who joined us barely 2 years ago and who's actually flourishing in her job just told us she'll be leaving us soon after she got her US tourist visa.

it was a bit shocking for us as we knew about the interview appointment a few days before her schedule and a couple more days later we found out she actually got approved of a 10-year multiple entry visa along with her 4-year old daughter. she is however bent on going there and applying for a caregiver job and hopes to get proper documents along the way, hopefully.

much as we are all happy with her seemingly good fortune, especially since we all know how hard it is to apply for a US visa this days, we are a bit sad that she'll be leaving us. and actually scared of what might happen to her there.

ironically, our little organization has been dealing with caring for migrate workers as part of its apostolate services. my boss along with his staff has been travelling country after country seeking for all those documented and illegal OFWs alike for counseling and consultations or at least mere interactions. they are also into training would-be volunteer counselors who could help reach out to fellow Pinoys abroad.

although it is no longer my turf, i have also been exposed to these endeavors in our trips abroad. and i have heard just so many sob stories i could listen to in one sitting. i have learned and seen for myself that working abroad is never the ultimate heaven. yes, one would get enthralled at seeing how progressive these foreign countries are, and how efficient everything seems to be. but after a while, once you've finally soaked up the new atmosphere everything would just turn bleh and one can't help but miss the familiarity of home once more. of course, this is just me talking about a two-week at the most stay in some foreign land.

i have been presented with countless opportunities to try my luck out abroad but i've not been that enthusiastic about it. oh yeah, i've toyed with the idea of applying for a tourist visa and take odd jobs but i can never be a caregiver as i don't really care...nor can i be a waitress as i'm not so good with waiting . hehe..seriously, i'm not the kind of person who could ever risk legalities if only for me to work for a "better" life.

and i believe it is also related with the fact that I have already been denied of a visa once when i was supposed to be sent for an area assignment. i am never good with rejections and i was ultimately pissed with how America has not given me entry to their country when i was supposed to be on a noble mission. no wonder people will just risk all they can, leave legalities at the door once they've been approved in spite of their shady plans. and terrorists still get to infiltrate them, how's that for "great" judgment eh...haha ang bitter!

disclaimer: of course, it still does not mean that i'm closing my doors for a US trip, after all it's still one of my dream destination at least before i get too old and arthritic to take on the cold.

************************************************

amidst all these talks, we are currently working on opening a new category for our awards project which we have now billed us brain gain or bayaning balik lingkod. recipients of this recognition will have to be professionals who have stayed and worked abroad for a significant period of time and has now chosen to come back to the country and offer their services for the local community development. i am still working on the qualifications and the specific criteria but generally they would have to have an identifiable skill and is currently involved in a noteworthy and outstanding project/s serving a good number of beneficiaries.

sigh. everything is still so vague. i'm still having quite a hard time particularly in quantifying and measuring the nobility of their coming back home for good. and i will still have to hook up with the right agencies for my data gathering and networking. so help me God, and dear readers of this blog.

***************************************************

just a while ago, my boss approached me to tell me to try to talk some sense into our accountant and advise her to just file for a leave of absence, try her luck in the US for a few months and just come back if only to pave for a cleaner travel record. he told me he doesn't want to do it himself as he's been too tired trying to dissuade people from working illegally abroad which is what he's been doing for several decades now for his apostolate work. oh well, malalaki na sila, kaya na naman siguro nila mga sarili nila.

which doughnut are you?

i heard these are actually available at Krispy Kremes. talk about one great marketing strategy huh! varieties include:

UE Red Warriors donut - red cherry
DLSU Green Archers donut - green apple
ADMU Blue Eagles donut- Blueberry
UST Growling Tigers donut - Lemon

so which one are you? hahahaha!

retaking the ACET

this weekend was ACET (ateneo college entrance test) weekend and though the rains poured in heavily, students from different schools poured in too some with their parents, guardians, companions, even yayas and drivers. Filling the high school ground to the rafters.

am one of the few who actually gets to take the ACET almost every year...i actually now have an MA in ACET wahahah! no, not that i actually get to take the exam...i have been a proctor twice back in college, and has later been elevated to examiner after graduating.

not that i enjoy seeing students getting tortured by exams but i have to admit though that i find amusement in seeing young ladies (yeah, at 16 these kids now look lady like enough!) come in all freshened up and leave the room after four hours all haggard and harassed hehe...or seeing young men appear all confident and later check out the questions and stare in seeming disbelief at their test booklets as if asking themselves why they got there anyway.

what keeps me from coming back each year though is that i get inspired in seeing kids remain hopeful and aiming their best shot at being able to attend a prestigious school. it might not be a big deal for some but i just love the ateneo...i have fond memories of this school and i just feel a deep sense of pride and excitement too for them who also want to experience what i did.

and hey, even if some of them don't get to pass now...they can always try again next time. no harm in trying once more if it's what you really want you know. *wink*

one bad news on a sunday morning...

...sigh.

woke up with one text message from my friend, sugar...tito allan passed away this morning :(

tito alan is jap's dad. but he's more than just just his dad, he was also one of our friends too. he would join us in most of our gimmicks, brought us a bottle of wine one time when we celebrated lala's birthday. even sat with us and talked with us. he would see to it we get home safe when we were still out on the streets back in high school. or even when we got older.

having lost my own dad at an early age, having a father figure has always been a welcome thought.

i learned he got really sick, had a stroke and fell on a coma last May. i actually prayed i'd still get to see him alive by the time i go home to iligan last june. and yeah, i did. but he was not the same tito allan i remembered. it was heartbreaking seeing him lying on the hospital bed with tubes attached to his body and him looking so frail and helpless.

and i couldn''t bear the sight of him for long...that's exactly what my dad went through.

it's kinda hard to endure the sight of seeing someone strong and healthy slowly slipping away. i remember telling him to "rage, rage against the dying of the light" the same way i told my dad a long time ago. of couse, i was still somehow hoping i'd see him again on the streets, on the bars we go to.

but yeah, sigh. he's truly gone. i'll just have to live with it.

my own version of Heroes

thanks to my local dibidi man, i am able to watch the tv show Heroes in full, minus the unnecessary commercial breaks and the agony of waiting for the next episode installment.

after about an entire day of watching these special people exhibiting powers of different kinds with the goal of actually saving the world i would drift off and hope that someday somehow we could have these abilities too and make fighting off evil easier. but i look back and around me and realize that i am actually amidst people who in their own ways are striving to make a difference. people who seem ordinary like the rest of us but actually posses better visions of themselves and the world.

take for example Sir Daryl, he can't fly like Peter Petrelli does. But he would scour the mountains of Bukidnon searching for indigenous communities that need education. he doesn't have the gift of healing but he would brave the perils of the jungle trekking, climbing for hours even days on end to reach these places.

Dr. Ato of Bacolod can't read minds like Matt Parkman can but he can examine and empathize with his patients suffering from eye problems. they don't have to tell him they badly need their assistance, he readily gives his support and operates on them mostly for free.

Miss Monica of Dumaguete opted to stay and teach in what used to be called as the "no man's land" of Sta. Catalina, Negros Oriental. she doesn't have the power of rapid cell regeneration but she is strong and compassionate enough to the once armed rebels of the area that she does not have to fear for her life or worry about being caught in crossfires.

it doesn't really take modern gadgets and electronics to civilize men and make life easier like what Micah Sanders powers rest on. but for JR, leaving her family to teach basic education, hygiene and livelihood to the natives of Palawan proved to be way helpful for their advancement. she only needs to care and reach out to them and she is able to alleviate poverty and improve their over all sense of well being.

there are still a lot of others out there whom we have met along the way. they all never failed to give us enough inspiration to look for more.

the big difference i guess is that whereas our Heroes characters has this magnanimous goal of saving the world...our very own heroes are only thinking of doing their share through their own little ways. but considering how wicked our world has become, a little thing could indeed go a long, long way. yeah, little things do pile up.

i go out and think of how scary it might be meeting the Sylars of this world but is somehow relieved that it is all but fiction. I feel more secure and moved that these unassuming people in their own world out there are actually doing their share in fighting evil. i'm not being all true romantic about it, i'm just one of those who are lucky enough to have actually met people who still have the hearts for their fellows.

nah, this is not some shameless plug for our project, nor some good excuse for me blogging at work...i just can't help but compare and feel hope for all mankind. :)


i haven't thought of any other character for Hiro Nakamura as i find him too cute to be real.:D

can anyone stop the rain from falling??

i dread the rains...

it makes me feel all the more gloomy and melancholic.

i remember as a child when i'd be forced to take afternoon naps on rainy afternoons, i'd wake up crying for no reason at all. i'd feel all so sad and there seemed to be something so heavy deep inside of me. i'd be inconsolable. no matter how my mom would rock me back to sleep i'd still sob all the more.

and here in manila rain seems to be at its worst. i've never really seen rain pouring this hard. casting dark shadows everywhere. enveloping us all in gloom. i've never seen rain this angry. as if it wants to tear our roofs down. trying to shake us all out of our beings.

it is on rainy moments as this when i'd feel like pouring my heart out. i'd feel like wanting to wash off every crevice of my being with sweet salve. i could rock in sobs for no reason at all. it makes me want to retreat all the more from the world that gives us pain and misery.

and i feel for all the homeless kids out there. i hope they will be kept warm just the same. times like this make me think of them and wish them well. and i could do nothing but utter a silent prayer. because it is adding up to my gloom too.

i really hope the sun comes out soon.

finding peace up the mountains

Sta. Catalina, Negros Oriental--twas a longish 3 hour drive up the rough roads to the mountains and we felt we've been driving like forever we thought we would never see any more civilization. but of course we we're wrong. there nestled up the seeming wilderness lay a community, with the school surrounded by small homes with neatly manicured gardens.



and on top of it all was a teacher who braved the perils, gave up her city life and lived and cared for the children and the community. it is truly very inspiring to be able to find people like them. they who chose to give up a what may be a more comfortable life if only to give a better future for other people.



it is truly in these kinds of journeys when you feel you've been renewed from all the weariness brought about by our day to day existence. i still feel quite jaded by it all but somehow i'd feel that somewhere out there, people are actually living a more peaceful life brought about by their own willfull decisions. and yes, anyone, wherever we are can have this same peace. this same happiness. it's just a matter of making a choice. :)

confessions of a wanderlust

this is not an ordinary travelogue...

i remember i first got to travel long distance when we went to bacolod for a lola's funeral...i was about 4 or 5 then. we had to travel by boat from iligan to bacolod which took more than 15 hours then. i remembered i got so seasick, i had fever, i had to lie down on top of biscuit cans since the boat was kinda crowded.

i dunno, i was always sickly as a child. we would go to my other lola's place less than an hour by bus from our city and i would puke like hell everytime. mom would always tell me to take something hot even just water before i would travel. i would puke water instead. sigh. i'd eat something and i would barf whatever food i just ate. i thought i was gonna be a hopeless traveller.

i guess my mom took that as a challenge to take me wherever i could go. i would dread the thought of riding buses and smelling gasoline fumes. funny thing is i would be more dizzy smelling white flower and all those liniments. back then bonamine was nonexistent.

sigh. and here i am with a work that lets me travel more than 50% of the time. yeah, travelling has become a sort of addiction. i still get dizzy from time to time though. even puked a few number of times when the road really gets bumpy. bonamine is now my bestfriend.

but i realized travelling has filled up such a deep void inside of me.

here i go now.

i am always in search for something. i can't seem to stay in one place for a long time. and yeah, i am greatly claustrophobic. blame it on some stupid game i got messed up with as a kid. i can't seem to breathe when i'm confined in one place for so long. and yes, it's ever present even with how i deal with people. how i handle relationships. i am always in search. i always want to get away. to escape and get lost somewhere. i tend to want to run away when the current thing that i'm having is kinda closing in on me slowly but surely.

i'm not just you're ordinary traveller who gets itchy feet whenever. i have this deep longing for something i dunno what it is really.

i still feel i need to find my way home. just that right now i don't really know where home is. not even with my son i guess. darn, i hate this.

i so freakin hate this when a lot of things need answers.

maybe i just want to be needed sometimes.

i just dunno where is that exact place right now.

i could continue to search.

or i could just stay and look deep inside of me.

just thinkin about it makes me wanna puke once again. sigh.

sorry, as i said this is not an ordinary travelogue...

i'm in deep sh*t, am i???

bloggin love

i've never really known what real love is all about. yeah, i'm the kind of person who loves to be in love all the time. but it's merely just the notion of being thought of and being able to think of someone in a different light. the kind of love that makes you giddy with excitement just with the thought of seeing the person.

in school we were even introduced to scott peck who gave us his own definition of love being not just a feeling but a decision. that love becomes love when you decide to stay with the person even when the sparks have gone out and the excitement has died.

i'm afraid though that i never got into experiencing that kind of love. or i chose not to love that way anyway. love has not been so good to me. i only ended up hurting and hating.

but then when i had my son i knew what love is all about. it's the kind of feeling that brings tears in your eyes just looking at that helpless newborn longing for your touch. it dispells all that notion of love being difficult and hurting and even cruel. it's like falling in love at first sight. falling in love all over again. falling in love all day everyday.



forgive me, but yeah. am back to being in love once again. so great that you'd see the sparkles in my eyes just like that.

still hooking up?

these past few months i've been hearing one sob story after another over failed relationships. what's more heartbreaking is that these relationships actually lasted for more than 5 years. i dunno, maybe speed dating and whirlwind romances could just be the thing now???

here's some of their stories:

-friend no. 1 and her bf are supposed to get married last december. they have been together for 9 years. however the guy met someone else and asked the gf for a cool off. what's a cool off anyway? tipong pagod na ako pahinga muna tayo at try sa iba? well, the gf tried hard to make it work just the same. even begged her bf to stay, nevermind if the guy sees both of them still. duh! but the guy was keen on staying away and chased after this other girl. oh well, the marriage date was of course cancelled.

-friend no. 2 was with her bf for 7 years before getting married. they we're together for 4 years till one day they fought really hard and he almost strangled her to death. although they' ve fought occasionally he was never violent till that time. she feared for her life that she ran away and left him. she vows to never go back to him and even filed a police report on the incident. a tro was subsequently issued to the guy.

-friend no. 3 is with his gf for 6 years. they even lived together for while till his gf left for another country last year. early december she confessed she met someone new. the bf of course was devastated but what can he do? now he has to face the daunting task of disposing the ref, tv, and other furnitures they own as a couple. drat!

i'd like to believe that maybe it's just a phase they are going to. that maybe somehow they will still be able to patch things up. but i can't help but surmise that maybe it's just how things are sometimes. my sister is telling me that Satan may actually be working double time to wreak havoc on relationships. oh well...

talking about these situations however have been greatly helping me look away from my own situation.it has helped me keep afloat in this sea of brokenness. we even tried to look for really happy relationships around us and could sadly pinpoint but a few. really sad indeed.

the question now is whether to believe in the power of love just the same or remain cynical and wary about it. although i admit about feeling giddy and excited about the prospect of going out and maybe finding someone new i still am doubtful that any of these could really lead to something good. ayayay...

how about you, would you still choose to hook up just the same???