the night the atenistas made lusong in the putikan

i didn't know i could make it. my flight from cdo was at about 4pm that day and i knew getting a cab from the airport late in the afternoon was a mean feat in itself. i was so much hoping i could make it to the 6pm mass at the gesu by i knew it was already futile.

oh well, i got home at past 6pm and rested a bit. of course i woke up at past 8pm already. i felt i was too tamad to go but i realized i need to go out for dinner anyway and i was so bent at getting the autographs.

what greeted me was the long line of cars from gate three and more throngs of people in blue from all ages. there were young boys and more young giggly girls everywhere. there were moms and dads even lolos and lolas and babies carried by their parents in blue too.

i wasn't expecting the putik, my gawd! i should have known that it has been raining in manila the past days that I've been away.


i was hungry so i looked for the food stalls first. there was a lot but there were queues in the booths too. i decided to go around a bit, take pictures and maybe look for some people that i know. a few friends that i was supposed to meet that night backed out because of the heavy traffic everywhere in the metro.

after grabbing spaghetti from some both and free mineral water from a sponsor i looked for a shirt, poster or anything i could have signed. then i started joining the ones in the already long line for the autograph signing. man, even the basketball players were still on stage making kwento about their recent win and yet we were already lining up for their autographs. yeah, i remember i did line up years ago when wes gonzales' team won too but i've forgotten it was that long! i started lining up at around 10pm. a friend of mine has arrived and was somewhere in some booth but i was determined in getting my autographs haha! yes, so many times over i did ask myself if i wanted to go on waiting. and i realized that i was already there, i didn't have anything else to do anyway. my feet was already dirty and muddy and i didn't want to go home empty handed.

i was still so tired and sleepy from my trip. everything was just so heady i felt like i was just in some dream. i know i can go home anytime but as i stood there in my queue amidst all these young girls and boys with their moms or yayas i knew i needed to go on.

through it all, some bands did play to cheer us on. there was spongecola, parokya ni edgar, miguel escueta, kjwan. bianca gonzales hosted and a few other celebrities showed up. even wes gonzales, doug kramer, rich alvarez could be found milling along with the crowd. i even saw jim paredes and boboy garovillo. too bad i got shy to take their pics as well. it was pretty hard to go around but everyone seemed to be enjoying walking around the putikan hehe.

at almost 1am i finally got inside the tent for my autographs, wow! just as well as the rain started pouring in. everything was a haze inside the booth, i didn't really know all of the players so i just handed them my stuff and took pics. i was actually more startstruck at yael yuson who joined us and lined with us for the autographs ahihihi.



it was a good thing that i had an extra poster with me to sheild me from the rain. i wasn't able to meet with my friend already, sorry crise! i stayed at the office a bit while i waited for the rain to stop. i was dead tired but i had to clean up my tsinelas and my feet. i think i still left some traces of mud back in the office.

oh well, i got what i wanted, i didn't care anymore what body pains i got from all that standing and waiting. and oh, i'll do it again, make my kids do it again, if they have to when the chance would come once again.

haaay, masarap talaga ang atenista...

ooops, masarap talaga maging atenista pala. wahehehe.

forever

Now, while we're here alone and all is said and done
Now I can let you know because of all you've shown
I'm grown enough to tell ya
You'll always be inside of me.

heard this song in the cab on the way to the airport yesterday. this song never fails to pinch my heart a little. i remembered reading about this from some Tagalog comics like twenty years ago. i forgot what the comics was, must be Universal or some other local one which featured a song embedded in some love story hehehe. it was about this usual boy meeting and falling in love with this girl, they hit it off okay for while then something happens and the girl falls out of love and leaves the guy. the guy ends up devastated and losing his mind. the ending clips showed the guy running after every girl he sees thinking she was the love he lost. awww.

Forever in my heart
Forever we will be
Even when I'm gone
You'll be here in me
Forever

Kenny Loggins

*******************************************

must be quite coincidental that i get to hear this song while i'm on my home to my province and be reminded of my childhood. the home which i've always loved going back to whenever. it never fails to give me utter comfort, pure solace. who cares about news of red alerts and ravages nearby. this is where i grew up and nurtured this wonderful life that i am having.

i'm so glad that i'm just home for now.

...

why does one need to leave?

i know this is the nth time i've been posing this question. and i guess i'll continue asking this as i see more and more people who should be together are kept apart by circumstances.

i am going home soon. i don't have much with me but i don't really want to care. all i want right now is to just be with the people that matter even for a short while.

i'm afraid i've spent a lesser time with Xan this year and i don't really want to lose that chance especially when he is still young. i guess no matter how much i'd get to accomplish, i will always have to blame myself for my misgivings to him. i will never feel fulfilled, i will never feel complete.

i heard some conversation one time about a wife who was prodding her husband to go abroad if only for them to have a better life. i felt so mad, so annoyed. she doesn't have any idea what she's asking for. she doesn't have any inkling how bad it feels being apart from one's family. but being a mere spectator that i was i could not say anything. i can't blame people from dreaming about going somewhere else. from wanting to pursue better places if only to fulfill one's dreams. i detest it yet i myself is in the same situation.

being apart from one's loved ones is never easy. yes, we may be enjoying some little comforts or living the lives and opportunities of what a lot of others have only been dreaming about, still it is never easy being here.

i will forever miss those lost chances, those times that should have been spent being with others instead of just being by myself.

argh, i need to stop.

GMA's Survivor Philippines

i so love, love it so far!!!

i hope it stays as good and as dramatic and as challenging in the episodes to come.

i'm loving the shots and the cinematography no matter how the camera could get quite dizzying at times when there's just too much action.

but yeah, being the Survivor fanatic that I've always been, i'm loving the pilot episode so far.

bigla akong naghinayang bakit di ko naisipan man lang na mag audition ahihihi.

my early favorite so far is Lola Zita, the 46 year old labandera who's a single mom to 7 kids and lola to 14 grandkids! and Yaya Patani, a babysitter from Cebu.

Madaming beefy eye-candies sa mga guys pero well, mas aliw ako sa characters ng mga girls haha!

this is such a great project for GMA. and i'm more thrilled too that QTV 11 will soon be airing Survivor Gabon this month too, yey!!!

(photo courtesy of survivorphilippines.com)

a not so practical tip

i sprayed bath and body works cologne on my floor because i could not stand the smell of liquid wax and chlorox.

oh well, i won't be doing this again sometime soon anyway so it should be fine. but i've to say it just smells so heavenly.

back in my old place, i used to clean my linoleum-covered floor regularly with rolls of tissue soaked in alcohol.

i walk around barefoot most of the time thus unclean floors make me feel icky.

one semi-charmed night

it was a pretty crazy night, i knew there was going to be the longest bar for the Guinness book of world records but i didn't expect it was that long. it was only about 7pm and there were a lot of people already. there were still some vacant tables near the Lourdes Ave. entrance but we were there for Third Eye Blind which we heard was gonna play at the last of the four stages. I was glad I was with friends who had the same 3EB enthusiasm as i got. we trudged on indeed to the frontmost part of the longest bar which was already at the corner of J. Vargas and Ortigas. that was quite a long walk and a lot of elbowing and sniffing of grilled foods and peoples' sweats haha!

3EB came out only at past midnight, i was a bit tired already after having wrestled for some seats at the nearest table we could find. nope, we didn't make it to 1500 crowd nor the 300 crowd. after all we only got the 120 tickets for free so we could not really complain. i only managed to drink one cup of the 2 free cups because i didn't wanna have that urge to pee and use the portalets, eww! hehe. we saw Rivermaya perform and a few other bands who i didn't really know. i heard there was a stampede at some other stage over Sugarfree. Ariel and Maverick were at some rooftop for their own coverage. they were in their usual colorful outfits and it was more fun watching them from a distance instead of those nameless bands who were mostly singing covers anyway.



when 3EB was about to come out we noticed that the 300 entrance was already open so we ran up nearest to the stage as we can. well at least it was just about 50 meters away, yey! when they opened up with Losing a Whole Year i just wanted to cry out and scream. i knew then that i was to have some grand time of my life. playlist is as follows (yep, i took down notes haha!):

Losing a Whole Year
Wounded
*Narcolepsy
Graduate
*Danger
Never Let you go
A Bonfire
Motorcycle Drive By
Don't Believe a Word
Deep Inside of You
Jumper
How's it Gonna to be
Semi Charmed Life
some parts Stairway to Heaven hehe
Encore: God of Wine

*had to ask for titles of these

it was really stupid of me not to have brought my camera, well i didn't know we were going to be able to go that close anyway. and worse, my camera phone died out on me after a few vids argh!!!

but still the experience was all worth it especially when we didn't pay for anything. thanks to friends again, weeeeh!

Stephan Jenkins seemed old, his voice was kinda strained on some parts and it looked weird seeing him jump up and about and screaming.

we already went out right after Semi-charmed Life only to hear once more that they encored with God of Wine. We stayed outside for a bit and saw a lot of emo kids having a show of their own wehehehe...such a semi charmed night indeed!

good old bacolod

i've always loved this place. i once said to myself that i don't mind relocating and living here for good. its local charms, its serenity has always made me feel at home and at peace. it helps a lot too that my father came from the area. most of my relatives are still here enjoying their own piece of heaven.

bacolod will initially strike you as some lazy, all too laidback town. you'll notice people milling around the streets, in the malls, or lazing in cafes and restos scattered all over the city. don't get me wrong though, most of them are actually successful and are enjoying flourishing careers. just that they must be the most un-flurried people i've ever known. they do take pains in dressing up though before they go out. thus you'll see a lot of really well-dressed people sipping coffee or just walking around.



a historian pretty much told me that this is much influenced by the cultivation of the sugarcane industry from way, way back. sugarcanes are known to be planted and harvested only once a year, the rest of the year most of the people spend their time waiting, playing mahjong, hanging out while waiting for the next planting and/or harvest season.

it also has the freshest seafoods and the most ornate, complicated servings of breads and pastries of all sort of shapes and sizes and varieties. haaay, bacolod is one gastronomic haven on its own.

and one of the thing that endears me the most is the musicality of their dialect. too bad my dad, didn't live long enough for us to learn how to speak hiligaynon. but its sound has always been to malambing, so nice to hear.

i will always come back to this town. i will continue loving it and its people no matter what.

Iloilo Churches

i have been to Iloilo several times though this is the first time when i got there alone. i didn't want to just stay at my hotel room for the longest time thus wasting my time indoors so I thought of visiting the many old churches in the area, I did ask some friends, looked up the internet and made up my list. when i got to the city i contacted some taxi driver who could take me around armed with my list and my camera of course.



my first stop was in Molo Church, otherwise known as St. Anne's Church it is also considered as some feminist church as it has most of the female saint statues lined up towards its altar.



next stop was in Tigbauan, sad to say the church was closed that time so i didn't really get to see its interiors.



Guimbal looks so dainty from outside most especially with its yellow stone and dreamy looking drapes. its interiors was a bit plain so i didn't bothered taking pics anymore, yikes.



Miag-ao Church is actually my ultimate destination for this trip. i chanced upon this church years ago on the way to antique. it has been years but it's magnificent image lingered in my mind and i knew i just got to come back and see it again up close. and yeah, i did!



it was about noontime and the church was closed. i managed to approach someone who i've asked to open the church's doors for me saying i just came from afar and i needed badly to see its interiors after showing them my media ID ahihihi.

and lo and behold, i was truly held captive by its ornate design, its gold-ish interior, its high ceilings and well-carved windows.



and i'm not surprised at all if this was marked as some UNESCO Heritage site. It is also culled as a fortress church with its thick walls and secret passages.




my final stop was in Jaro Metropolitan Cathedral just amidst the bustling town of Jaro. The church has Our Lady of the Candles as its patroness and holds its fiesta celebration every 2nd of February with some grand pageantry. inside its church are mostly male saints, thus it is considered as Molo Church's counterpart haha!



just across Jaro Cathedral is the bell tower, it used to be a part of the church's compound but some road was built between them for the government's road widening project.

so that wraps up my early visita iglesia in the now colorful, busy town of Iloilo which also has about 3 SMs, a Robinsons, and a few more Gaisano superstores among all the other establishments in the area. And the new international airport is one thing i was truly amazed too. Viva Iloilo indeed!

highs/lows

I've been tagged by mec.

Here are the Rules:
1. List things that makes you happy and what makes you sad..
2. Add your blog to the list. Feel free to add all your other blogs.
3. Tag other online friends you know...



WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY?

1. a fast enough internet connection most especially because i'm almost always alone and this is one of my ways to stay connected.

2. being with Xan, family my, may mahal sa buhay.

3. hanging out with my friends accompanied with good food and great conversations.

4. beach trips!

5. having my photos taken and getting great results haha!

6. caramel macchiato

7. hugs and kisses through text/ym messages.

8. being given/granted what i wanted or worked for.



WHAT MAKES ME SAD :(

1. missing Xan, my family and all that i hold dear.

2. brown outs/erratic internet.

3. being broke haha!

4. failures/rejection

5. my loved ones being sick or unwell

6. heavy rains.

I'm tagging anyone who wants to do this

my own golden child

(this essay is an entry to this online literary contest . good luck to us all and happy reading.)



I can still vividly recall the first time I finally held you in my arms. I was supposed to breastfeed you not because it is hospital protocol but because it is the right thing to do. Although I felt like I was going to die bringing you into this world trying to push for hours only to be cut up and have you taken out of my tummy I just could not help but see you as some tiny, glorious miracle. I ended up inspecting your fingers, your feet, and pinching your tiny nose as tears fell freely instead of me having to feed you with my milk.

Nothing is more heartwarming, more fulfilling than finally seeing and holding one’s own flesh and blood in our arms. I knew then that I have just became the most empowered woman there is. And you are going to be the most empowered son I could ever have. Even as a little baby in my tummy you have always been too defiant. You'd kick when I would try to reach out and caress you. You would roll all over when I'm about to sleep. You'd keep still when I'm travelling and moving around as if enjoying the same sights I am seeing.

When you came out you have always been big for your age with that seemingly all knowing eyes as if you know exactly what you want to do with your life. And looking straight at them makes me feel like i'm going to be your slave for the rest of our lives.

Yes, you can be whatever you want to be. No doubt about that.

You hear some upbeat tune and you would just dance to your heart's content.

You love singing with your cousins and would squeal and play the drums or strum the guitar or whatever is available.

You would write on the walls, on the sofa, on the pieces of paper you could get your hands on as soon as you take hold of some pens. And yet you are only two years old!

We can only guess and marvel at what you will become when you get older.

True enough, bringing you into this world alone will not be some mean feat. I have always been scared of what you might become if I will not hold you with some iron hand. But much as I would want to shelter and protect you from all that is evil and unpleasant I know It could never be done. Ideally for some it would be more comforting and much easier if I will have your life mapped out ahead for you. I can create some blue print if I want to and mold you into the kind of person I would want you to become.

But of course that can never be done. Not because it will be extra hard but mostly because I don’t believe it is the right thing. My own experiences in life have taught me to be extra strong, to be extra independent. I learned to fend for myself at quite an early age. And though there are times when I wish someone has always held my hand and led me to whatever path I would have taken I would always feel prouder about being able to make the right or wrong choices for myself.

They say a child should be reared with the right guidance and values till up to eight years old. By then they should have been more equipped to take on the world by themselves. Our constant fear for our children not being able to do the things they ought to be doing will always be there. But as the great prophet Khalil Gibran said, "Your children are not your children". We are only the instruments in bringing them to the world. The rest will all now be their choice.

The possibilities are endless. I am actually more excited and eager in discovering each day what you will be when you grow up. I will forever marvel at how you are going to live your life by yourself. I will be more proud of you and of myself if you become a better person all because of the choices you make and not because I hovered over you and dictated what you must do for each step that you are going to take.

I only vow to become one proud momma and not some evil stage mom. :p

there's gotta be a better ending than this...

i've had a pretty rough long weekend.

it might not have a shown a bit as i chose to keep myself busy over a lot of other things if only for me not to notice what i have been missing terribly.

i spent most of my saturday sleeping and going out to buy stuff. the price of loneliness can be quite expensive. but i wanted to give myself some rest by buying more items limiting myself to the houseware section and the children's department for Xan's clothes. i chose not to buy stuff for myself. i decided to just focus on other people. for once i didn't even bother try eating out. instead i found ways to cook meals for myself. after all preparing and cooking meals is another bit of distraction.

i tried out preparing tuna mushroom omellete. then studied the preparation of french toasts. tonight i whipped up some bacon mushroom pasta in creamy tomato. i've been cooking and eating the past days.( i took a lot of pictures but adding them here will only make this post so pretentiously happy. )

i'm glad i still have a couple of Nancy Drews to read till i could finally sleep. and sleep takes place 6-7am.

but i felt light. i felt i need not worry about missing anyone. time will pass by quickly just the same anyway.

but feeling light and seemingly worry-free made me feel uneasy for a while. it seemed strange. it didn't feel right. something felt utterly wrong.

i rationalized thinking it was meant to be. maybe i just prepared myself too much. i didn't need to feel anymore burden about it.

i even went out with friends and told people how i felt. it was a strange feeling just the same.

then it actually came.

i was staring at the ceiling thinking how unbelievably light i felt but only broke down into sobs. it came out softly then it became uncontrollable. i started to wail. it felt harder and harder to breathe but i felt great sobbing and crying and wailing. it was so weird. i wanted to stop but i could not. i must have cried for hours till i fell asleep.

i woke up feeling so tired and wanting to cry some more. my throat hurt and my head started throbbing. it was plain painful i knew i just had to let it all out.

after a while i texted friends because i wanted to go out and walk. i wanted to shop, eat, drink some more. unfortunately no one was available. woe is me!

i wento to tiendesitas and loitered around a bit. i was eyeing this purple swimsuit but found out i could not withdraw cash from all of the 3 atms in tiendesitas including the 2 terminals in SM Hypermart. i realized maybe it was the world's way of telling me i should not buy anything more. i don't need it anyway. i went home after walking around a bit.

i still feel so tired.

and now there's this other news that broke my heart once more. my hometown of iligan has just been put into a state of calamity. people were killed, a lot of others evacuated. some friends texted me and found it good that i am here and safe. i could not thank them at all. why should i, my family is still back home. i can't help but be worried sick about them.

i used to shrug off terrorist attack news back home. now it just feels so real. and i don't know how to react on it anymore.

my sister is leaving in the next few days too. but oh, that's another sob story on my end of the world. yes, people leave because they have to. i have learned to accept that a long time ago. it's something we cannot control really. but we can't also help feeling sad about it if only for a while.

i don't mind indulging on the sadness for now till i'd eventually feel okay about everything. it takes a while of getting used to, eh.

meanwhile, help me pray for strength, for peace, for understanding.

i am hoping tomorrow, the next days will be better ones.

rice crisis

bumili ako ng rice cooker hoping mas makakatipid ako this way. instead of buying 2 cups of rice everyday for like 20 bucks magluluto na lang ako at least once every two days at magbaon na lang ng rice. mas tipid kung feel ko mag diet at 1 cup per day na lang kakainin ko.

i was at the grocery store this morning though hoping to buy rice only to be faced with a shelf full of several varieties. there's dinorado, sinandomeng, milagrosa, jasmine, some other from thailand and japan, there's brown rice and even some basmati.

so is there any rice expert out there who could sort of orient us with these different varieties?

back home we'd buy Youngmaster's rice. but i don't really know if it is the brand name or the variety. i couldn't find it anywhere here in the grocery or at the sari sari store near my place.

what are the differences anyway?

Kitten Love

THE RULES: People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves. Tag 8 people. Those who are tagged cannot refuse. You cannot tag the person who tagged you.


1. What would make your day worse?
--- pag walang internet connection lalo na sa office :p

2. At what age do/did you wish to settle down?
--- will i ever settle down? why would anyone wish to settle down? i'd wish to be floating and fleeing from one place to another hehe. but do i wish to be married? yes, why the hell not. when? when we are both ready. and yes, i still would want to have more kids. it actually excites me knowing i could actually get to keep a home someday, cooking and cleaning up and taking care of the kids and a bigger kid (the hubby hehe)...nice, welcoming, comforting thought really.

3. What's your favorite genre in music?
--- Alternative Rock

4. What time did you sleep last night?
--- past 12, that's still unusually early for me but kailangan din bumawi paminsan-minsan.

5. What are you doing right now?
--- answering this meme, listening to my playlist, online shopping in multiply, browsing the forum, sipping coffee.

6. Is there someone you're thinking of right now? Who?
--- yes, i wish your exam turns out fine. no more fainting spells ha?

7. When you encounter a sad moment, what do you do?
--- hide out in my room, turn the lights off, play music out loud, cry, no, bawl. then i'd text people.

8. How do you want to be proposed at? or how do you wish to propose?
--- schedule na ng date direcho, no more drama baka maiyak pa ako. haha!

9. What makes your day complete?
--- Be able to submit deadlines or quality work in the office, go out and have great food and drinks with friends after, make passionate, fiery love at home till i pass out and zzzzz...hehehe.

10. List 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
--- Andrea: my sounding board and confidante, fashionista: Paris Hilton ng Pasong Tamo eh; machong bading! hahaha!

11. How do you cope with boredom?
--- I don't. time will pass by whether we like it or not anyway.

12. Is there someone you love (d) who have hurt you in any way? Who?
--- love hurts whether we like it or not. the more it hurts us the more we realize how much we love the person, otherwise i'd just be queber no matter what he does. oops, i'm not answering the question hehe...but yeah, i'm more emo lately...now you know why.

13. What is your dream?
--- "to be the greatest woman in my man's world" hahaha! yan yung dream ko nung high school ako, eek! it sounds mushy, but yes, it still holds true till now. i guess being a great woman in the world won't hold much water if i'm still a nobody to somebody. i might be able to become the most powerful woman in the world but if i'd still get home to an empty home then i will still be a nobody. *bow*

14. If you have one wish, what would you wish for?
--- For more people to make love and stay in love. Parang saging lang, laging may puso! No more war please, jusko!

15. Describe summer 08 in less than 10 words
--- steamy, sexy, fiery, emotional yet fulfilling.

16. Do you believe that dreams do come true?, Why?
--- Yes, we can work it out!

17. What will you do if your loved one ask you to go out??
--- Talon talon split! Tara, saan, now na?

18. What do you look forward in 2008?
--- peace of mind, stability, not much drama pls. but then again since mala telenobela talaga ang buhay, sige more strength and perseverance na lang please.

19. What song is playing in your head right now?
--- sleeps with butterflies, tori amos

20. Who is your favorite singer?
--- Tori Amos

21. Is there anything about you that you would like to share?
--- Keep your cool at all times, know when to shout out for help when needed, or just know when to shout!

nasaan na ang boston creme ko??!!!

have you seen this latest dunkin donuts commercial?

was pretty feeling down today. blame it on my selfishness, my own childish nature. yup. i'd most often like to believe that the world still revolves around me. and there are some things that i want and want it right away.

when i would go home for a vacation back then, i was almost always out of the house. i was always with my friends that i'd seldom get to be with my family.

one time my brother just texted me while he was out and i was on that rare moment at home,

"nasa bahay ka ba? kung dadalhan kita ng dunkin donut hindi ka na ba lalabas? "

yup, even at about 20 then i still get bribes haha!

to which i replied, " sige, boston creme please."

when my brother got home, he did brought with him a boxful of donuts. but woe to me there was no boston creme. apparently it was out of stock much to my dismay.

a few moments after that, i got a message from my friends to hang out for the night. i hastily prepared myself and went out. before i got out though, my bro called out,

"bakit ka lalabas dinalhan kita ng donuts ah!"

"eh wala naman boston creme eh!" and hurriedly fled off with a laugh.

buti my brother just shrugged it off na lang hehe.

oh well, yeah, i am revealing a lot of myself with this post. but yup, i've lived independently for more than 14 years now and yes, i do get to allow myself to be childish, utterly dependent sometimes.

well, extreme independence can only be a defense mechanism sometimes especially when you're all alone and have no other choice but to take care of one's self, right?

but sometimes, just sometimes, it does feel good that somehow there is also someone who you could depend on at some given time. just sometimes at least.

so nasaan na ang boston creme ko???!!!!

restless

...and i feel myself gasping for breath as my air grows thin.

and the more i struggle the more i'd feel like losing it.

home remedies

my mom concocts this warm drink every morning each time i'd have some cough and colds. it's just a mixture of tea with lemon and some pinch of salabat. i couldn't take salabat by itself so she makes sure she adds just a little for some tangy taste. it never fails to soothe my sore throat. such angels our moms are, right?

favor please, if your moms are with you right now, can you give them a buss for me? i'd sure wish i could hug and kiss my mom right now for such simple wonders they can do when we are not feeling well.

regressions

woke up feeling this great longing for some things utterly familiar to my system. i missed my mama's champorado with coconut milk which she usually serves on cold rainy days as this. and the endless chatterings with my young nieces and nephews. or just the smell of my old sheets and good old homecooking wafting in the air.

this left me almost wanting to cry or to take more cold medicines if only to be lulled back to sleep and forget such cravings. but of course i'm just too tired of crying and i know it still wouldn't change anything. i am no kid anymore and i know i'll just have to fend for myself just the same. i was grasping for things i could hold on to. find people to talk to. to whine with. or at least just knowing that i am and will never be alone. but failed. my bestfriend has always been right, in times of dire need there is really no one to turn to and depend on but one's self. we each have our own battles, our own choices. sad but true but indeed it's every man for himself.

resolved myself to watching The Crow, one of my comfort films from college. i don't know but i just feel great solace in the loud music and violence of this film embedded in a what could be mushy love story. there is comfort in darkness indeed.

and i am currently reading a Nancy Drew book which takes me back to grade school when i was younger and restless and more secured of myself.

sigh. i guess i just miss my dad. i miss being held in his strong arms most especially on cold rainy days as i softly cry myself to sleep. yes, i used to have this habit of crying along with the rain as a child. at least i've learned to shirk away such habit since then. good riddance!

back in my old dorm, i used to have this really big pillow i'd use when i want to lie on the floor while reading a book or just watch tv. i told my sister about this once and she told me it has always been my habit as a child. i'd carry my pillows and sleep on the floor instead. she said that i might be regressing, seeking for comforts i had from childhood. at least my bed is now quite low i won't have to bring down my pillows. the floor is quite cold eh hehe...

i am still holding on to whatever strength i could hold on to inside me. i do get by somehow. i have to. time will pass anyway and the sun will come out soon. as eric draven would say, "it can't rain all the time!"

meanwhile, i'll just have to settle with preparing myself some hot chocolate drink for the nearest comfort of home i'd want to revel on.

repost: stitched anew

(this was a blog entry dated aug. 27, 2006 as imported from my friendster blog. i was prompted to repost this after my bestfriend told me she discovered some lump on her breast. i am scared for whatever the outcome maybe but for someone who had undergone such operation, i wanted to be strong for her too.)

i will be sporting another scar on my body soon. well, technically it's still but a wound. a freshly sewn wound.

just underwent a minor surgery last saturday. i discovered a lump on my right breast 5 months ago and had it checked. it was supposed to have gone away by now but nope t'was still there clinging stubbornly like its host. thus my ob referred me to a surgeon and was told it had no intentions of going away instead i was actually feeding and letting it grow as i ate and slept and drank. i should have wished for some ascari ova instead!

thus a week later i found myself lying on an operating table once again.

i was scared though i wanna feel numb.

my body would stiffen a bit but i had to be relaxed.

i felt like sweating out but the ac was turned in full blast.

i wanted to cry but mama was too far away.

so there, instead i just closed my eyes and took deep breaths. and of course imagined a lot of nice, beautiful things.

i had xan's smiling face on my mind. i thought of him laughing and giggling and shouting. i thought of us playing on the white sand beach with deep blue green water and a blazing sun. i just imagined that when this is all over i can play with my son already.

i thought of nasty things too. i pictured our office bruha being torn apart flesh for flesh, limb after limb as the doc tugged on my flesh. an excruciatingly delicious feeling indeed.

i though of it as all the pains and worries and the negative energies stored in my body being drained off. i wanted to believe i felt unbelievably lighter and warmer as each part was taken away.

back to earth, the doctor told me that it was all over. that she was about to sew me back up. i was supposed to take it easier the next few days, get more rest and not to lift heavy things. of course, my first question was, "how soon can i travel?" syempre! i need to see my son, i need to go to that white island paradise. after all it's what kept me sane and motivated to not panic. ;)

oh well, the most times when i've been examined and reexamined i've already thought that my body is not mine anymore but someone else's specimen. somehow i've lost my soul but instead what's there are components of flesh and fluids and bones. i heard the doctor telling the nurse to cover up the window as i was exposed but somehow i couldn't care less.

i mean, should i care to cover up a nipple when the doc is already tugging on my flesh as blood flowed?

would anyone be ever interested on my skin when my entrails are exposed?

whew! tough!!!!

(fastforward to today: i'm now doing well and good. the biopsy result was negative for cancer cells. the stitch is barely visible. thank god, the goddesses, the moon and the stars!)

irrationalities

something just came over me when i was about to board that train tonight, something which made me just turn around and retreat my steps. i guess there are just times when it's but easy to give in to one's whims. to just walk away and hope against hope that the people who are expecting you will understand without asking for an explanation.

i'm not saying i ought to be forgiven unquestionably. but i am hoping just the same that they will.

i guess it was just some plain expression of disappointment. of frustration. of not fighting it. that instead of going on and keeping a straight face i chose to just retreat and hide in the comforts of my darkened room.

no explanations. no more questions for now, please.

i was bratty. i am bratty. and i will always be. take me for what i am.

it is when times like this when i'd get to ask myself again:

was i brought up the wrong way?

was i overindulged as a kid that even at this age i'd still get to throw tantrums and act irrationally?

or is this how i'm just wired?

i've always liked to believe that i am patient. i have learned to understand people the best way i could. i'd seek for answers on my own. i could even invent/make up rationalizations on their behalf even before i'd get to hear their explanations if only for me to understand and forgive.

it's one mean feat but that's is how i'd like to deal with the people close to me. i prefer not to confront, to shout back, to question, to demand.

unless when i'm totally provoked.

i'm not that strong. i can't keep a straight face all the time.

a lot of questions still hover around me. but i still would like to believe that i know what i want. i'm just praying and hoping that what i want wants me too.

i'm not making sense.

i just need some hugs. bear hugs please.

frustrated...

...with a capital F hehe.

watched the Lifehouse concert hoping to hear at least my fave song from them which is Breathing. Blind, Spin, Everything, and Sick Cycle Carousel were but secondary and yet they didn't sing them as well except for Blind.
they sang mostly the new ones and those which i'm not familiar really. sad, sad, sad.
and yes, we were surrounded by screaming high school girls, woe to our eardrums haha!



P.S. Jason Wade isn't that hot after all.

in memoriam

yeah, sorry but i fell asleep on some parts of Dark Knight but it was more because i barely had sleep during our Manila-Baguio trip and we just dropped by SM Baguio when the rains got so hard that we couldn't go anywhere else to sightsee.

but i did remember almost wanting to cry during that scene when Joker (Heath Ledger) was being interrogated in the precinct. he just acted so well i felt so sad he's actually gone. i realized how it great it must be if we could still see more of his prowess.

we could only wonder what characters he could still portray so well and carve out a better niche for himself.



his images reminded me of another fallen hero i've grown to love as well, Bruce Lee's only son Brandon Lee who portrayed Eric Draven in one of the movies of The Crow. Like his father and Heath Ledger, he too met some untimely death when they were on the prime of their careers.

midway through the movie, i sent a text message to my sister that i'd want The Crow's poster back so i can have it in my room. The poster has been given to me by a college friend back in the 90s and i suddenly missed it so bad. i vow to watch my dvd again soon when i have the time, if only to recall the poetry, the morbidity of it all.

and yes, i still have to watch Dark Knight one more time so i can actually appreciate it in full.

to our fallen heroes, so long....

ref attack!

for now, there's nothing but a couple of beers, some eggs, and chocolates inside my ref. but i'm pretty hoping they are more than enough to keep my hormonal self some company for now.

for now.

when it's Sandman that's keeping you awake

i just got this gem at the powerbooks MOA last weekend for barely P700!

i had to get it pricey as it is as the last Sandman graphic novel that i got was its prequel which was the Season of Mists and i do want to buy and read it as chronologically as possible.

i have to say it's hard reading this at night, the scenes were pretty gory and i just had to finish reading it even if it was like 4am or else i'd dream about being in their weird dreams haha!

oh well, i still have 7 books to go including the first 2 books which i just read somewhere but haven't got a copy still. and i hope to complete all 10 in my lifetime. so help me, Morpheus.

freedom to commute

I’ve to say I’m not really a commuter. I’ve lived and worked here in Katipunan eversince I relocated here more than ten years ago. The nearest I could go to safely by jeep must be in Cubao hehe…the rest, I’d just easily hail and hop on some cab to take me wherever. Yup, I’ve been called by my close friends as their resident “taxi girl”.

LRTs and MRTs have changed my life a bit when they were still new and exciting but I went back to patronizing the ever convenient and reliable taxi cabs after a while.

But with this frequent fuel increases and the taxi drivers getting more and more masungit and mataray every minute I just can’t help but scramble for the better alternatives. Thus today, when my sister asked me for an errand to the Intramuros, I just thought of buying myself store valued tickets for both the lrt2 purple line and the mrt. Oh well, it will expire in 6 months and I’m supposed to be able to have one more free ride before consumption. Not that I’m supposed to be regularly commuting to the places plied by these trains anyway, at least I’ll have them handy whenever we need to go to Gateway or to Ayala or to watch eigai sai in Shangrila or just have some siomai in Jenn’s place in Shaw, yey!

Sana lang 24 hours na sila for the nocturnal people like us. It must really be fun!

I dunno up to when I’d be able to sustain this vigor to commute once more. I remember I stopped taking taxis for a while too when they raised the flag down rate from P25 to P30. And I’m here I am now vowing to lessen my taxi rides with the impending raise of its flag down from P30 to P40 this time. Let’s see, let’s see.

un-jinxed!

i had initial misgivings about watching this game, after all it's been years since i saw one live. and in those few games that i've seen our team has always lost. i've thought that watching our team losing over and over again has told me to just stop watching it live. there's more comfort in watching it on tv anyway with replays and comments most especially about technicalities and all. yeah right!



and it did came into my mind that i might have some jinx somewhere that should stop me from watching anymore of this game.

but i thought i'd give it a try one more time. after all it's been years and hopefully such jinx has waned a bit hehehe.

back home my brother was also watching and i asked him to let Xan wear his blue jersey and to send me his pic which he did. some desperate attempt?

all through out the game i guess i just drank the heady feeling of being in a coliseum-full of basketball fanatics cheering for their respective teams. i'm no basketball junkie. i don't really know the technicalities, all i'd note is on who's holding the ball, which court each shot takes place, and who's the current hottie player wehehe...

but the feeling of being a mere speck of hopeful amidst the sea of blue and green fanatics can be overwhelming. i've only been an atenean for 4 years yet i feel that i will be for the rest of my life. i look around and i see middle aged spectators still beaming that same smile, same pride they must have had years and years ago when they were in their youth. it's just amazing really, and i can't blame them, look what i'm doing to Xan!

and yes, there's always half-time! nothing beats the exhilaration too of watching and being able to cheer with our team. too bad i don't know some cheers already.


i was praying over and over again for our boys not to let us down this time. not only for myself but for the man with me who is only able to watch this game once a year if his sked permits and who i was hoping will change my personal history with these games.

and thanks to chris tiu, we actually got it! i finally realized we could actually win this game after the other team's misses and Tiu's frequent attempts at the free-throws. with each second ticking and each point counted i finally felt the sense of sweet, awesome victory.


forgive the drama but i realized i miss singing our school hymn for once. the feeling is totally overwhelming. there are no words to describe it. and there's more vigor in singing it when we've actually won the game.

LSS

nagising ako with this nagging song in mind:

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I'm miserable now

In my life
Why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die ?


bat naman ganun?
oh well, sana gumanda pa ang araw ko.