pinched...

i have Xan with me now. in fact he's sleeping soundly on our office foor (on his playmat) as i write this.

for once i was really scared i may not be able to get him back from his dad. i had a dream once where i was supposedly walking Xan in the mall with his dad. Then apparently i lost them and never saw them again. I went to his dad's house but his parents told me he wasn't home yet. how i broke down and cried. i woke up all sweaty and in tears. it's indeed every single mom's nightmare.

i was quite apprehensive in bringing him here from the province. i was pretty sure his dad would want to see and borrow him. somehow i allowed him thinking it's also best for Xan to know his dad.

and i didn't want to be greedy.

i didn't want to create more rift between us, his dad and i.

while i waited for them last night a lot of negative thoughts crossed my mind.

what if they would never come?

what if something bad happened?

what if Xan had an accident and is injured?

and so on and so forth...

a taxi finally pulled up in front of KFC where i waited. i almost jumped when i saw them coming out. then Xan was walking slowly holding on to his dad. mighty sweet indeed. then he smiled when he saw me. and smiled to his dad too. i kissed him at once and told him how much i missed him. he just hugged me back.

then something almost heartbreaking happened.

when i carried Xan, he looked to his dad and wanted to go to him and cried. i hugged him tight and his dad told him to stay with me. we said our quick goodbyes and i immediately rode the trike and asked to be taken home.

on the way home i felt so sorry for my son that i could not give him the ideal life he could have. it would be nice if us, his parents stay together and be close as a family. but i don't think i could ever stay in that kind of relationship anymore.

on the one hand, i was happy they did bond and click in the 2-3 days they were together. at least i'm sure Xan had a great time being with him.

sigh.

just really glad Xan is back with me now.