Sunday, August 24, 2008
Here are the Rules:
1. List things that makes you happy and what makes you sad..
2. Add your blog to the list. Feel free to add all your other blogs.
3. Tag other online friends you know...
WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY?
1. a fast enough internet connection most especially because i'm almost always alone and this is one of my ways to stay connected.
2. being with Xan, family my, may mahal sa buhay.
3. hanging out with my friends accompanied with good food and great conversations.
4. beach trips!
5. having my photos taken and getting great results haha!
6. caramel macchiato
7. hugs and kisses through text/ym messages.
8. being given/granted what i wanted or worked for.
WHAT MAKES ME SAD :(
1. missing Xan, my family and all that i hold dear.
2. brown outs/erratic internet.
3. being broke haha!
5. my loved ones being sick or unwell
6. heavy rains.
I'm tagging anyone who wants to do this
I can still vividly recall the first time I finally held you in my arms. I was supposed to breastfeed you not because it is hospital protocol but because it is the right thing to do. Although I felt like I was going to die bringing you into this world trying to push for hours only to be cut up and have you taken out of my tummy I just could not help but see you as some tiny, glorious miracle. I ended up inspecting your fingers, your feet, and pinching your tiny nose as tears fell freely instead of me having to feed you with my milk.
Nothing is more heartwarming, more fulfilling than finally seeing and holding one’s own flesh and blood in our arms. I knew then that I have just became the most empowered woman there is. And you are going to be the most empowered son I could ever have. Even as a little baby in my tummy you have always been too defiant. You'd kick when I would try to reach out and caress you. You would roll all over when I'm about to sleep. You'd keep still when I'm travelling and moving around as if enjoying the same sights I am seeing.
When you came out you have always been big for your age with that seemingly all knowing eyes as if you know exactly what you want to do with your life. And looking straight at them makes me feel like i'm going to be your slave for the rest of our lives.
Yes, you can be whatever you want to be. No doubt about that.
You hear some upbeat tune and you would just dance to your heart's content.
You love singing with your cousins and would squeal and play the drums or strum the guitar or whatever is available.
You would write on the walls, on the sofa, on the pieces of paper you could get your hands on as soon as you take hold of some pens. And yet you are only two years old!
We can only guess and marvel at what you will become when you get older.
True enough, bringing you into this world alone will not be some mean feat. I have always been scared of what you might become if I will not hold you with some iron hand. But much as I would want to shelter and protect you from all that is evil and unpleasant I know It could never be done. Ideally for some it would be more comforting and much easier if I will have your life mapped out ahead for you. I can create some blue print if I want to and mold you into the kind of person I would want you to become.
But of course that can never be done. Not because it will be extra hard but mostly because I don’t believe it is the right thing. My own experiences in life have taught me to be extra strong, to be extra independent. I learned to fend for myself at quite an early age. And though there are times when I wish someone has always held my hand and led me to whatever path I would have taken I would always feel prouder about being able to make the right or wrong choices for myself.
They say a child should be reared with the right guidance and values till up to eight years old. By then they should have been more equipped to take on the world by themselves. Our constant fear for our children not being able to do the things they ought to be doing will always be there. But as the great prophet Khalil Gibran said, "Your children are not your children". We are only the instruments in bringing them to the world. The rest will all now be their choice.
The possibilities are endless. I am actually more excited and eager in discovering each day what you will be when you grow up. I will forever marvel at how you are going to live your life by yourself. I will be more proud of you and of myself if you become a better person all because of the choices you make and not because I hovered over you and dictated what you must do for each step that you are going to take.
I only vow to become one proud momma and not some evil stage mom. :p
Monday, August 18, 2008
it might not have a shown a bit as i chose to keep myself busy over a lot of other things if only for me not to notice what i have been missing terribly.
i spent most of my saturday sleeping and going out to buy stuff. the price of loneliness can be quite expensive. but i wanted to give myself some rest by buying more items limiting myself to the houseware section and the children's department for Xan's clothes. i chose not to buy stuff for myself. i decided to just focus on other people. for once i didn't even bother try eating out. instead i found ways to cook meals for myself. after all preparing and cooking meals is another bit of distraction.
i tried out preparing tuna mushroom omellete. then studied the preparation of french toasts. tonight i whipped up some bacon mushroom pasta in creamy tomato. i've been cooking and eating the past days.( i took a lot of pictures but adding them here will only make this post so pretentiously happy. )
i'm glad i still have a couple of Nancy Drews to read till i could finally sleep. and sleep takes place 6-7am.
but i felt light. i felt i need not worry about missing anyone. time will pass by quickly just the same anyway.
but feeling light and seemingly worry-free made me feel uneasy for a while. it seemed strange. it didn't feel right. something felt utterly wrong.
i rationalized thinking it was meant to be. maybe i just prepared myself too much. i didn't need to feel anymore burden about it.
i even went out with friends and told people how i felt. it was a strange feeling just the same.
then it actually came.
i was staring at the ceiling thinking how unbelievably light i felt but only broke down into sobs. it came out softly then it became uncontrollable. i started to wail. it felt harder and harder to breathe but i felt great sobbing and crying and wailing. it was so weird. i wanted to stop but i could not. i must have cried for hours till i fell asleep.
i woke up feeling so tired and wanting to cry some more. my throat hurt and my head started throbbing. it was plain painful i knew i just had to let it all out.
after a while i texted friends because i wanted to go out and walk. i wanted to shop, eat, drink some more. unfortunately no one was available. woe is me!
i wento to tiendesitas and loitered around a bit. i was eyeing this purple swimsuit but found out i could not withdraw cash from all of the 3 atms in tiendesitas including the 2 terminals in SM Hypermart. i realized maybe it was the world's way of telling me i should not buy anything more. i don't need it anyway. i went home after walking around a bit.
i still feel so tired.
and now there's this other news that broke my heart once more. my hometown of iligan has just been put into a state of calamity. people were killed, a lot of others evacuated. some friends texted me and found it good that i am here and safe. i could not thank them at all. why should i, my family is still back home. i can't help but be worried sick about them.
i used to shrug off terrorist attack news back home. now it just feels so real. and i don't know how to react on it anymore.
my sister is leaving in the next few days too. but oh, that's another sob story on my end of the world. yes, people leave because they have to. i have learned to accept that a long time ago. it's something we cannot control really. but we can't also help feeling sad about it if only for a while.
i don't mind indulging on the sadness for now till i'd eventually feel okay about everything. it takes a while of getting used to, eh.
meanwhile, help me pray for strength, for peace, for understanding.
i am hoping tomorrow, the next days will be better ones.
i was at the grocery store this morning though hoping to buy rice only to be faced with a shelf full of several varieties. there's dinorado, sinandomeng, milagrosa, jasmine, some other from thailand and japan, there's brown rice and even some basmati.
so is there any rice expert out there who could sort of orient us with these different varieties?
back home we'd buy Youngmaster's rice. but i don't really know if it is the brand name or the variety. i couldn't find it anywhere here in the grocery or at the sari sari store near my place.
what are the differences anyway?
Monday, August 11, 2008
THE RULES: People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves. Tag 8 people. Those who are tagged cannot refuse. You cannot tag the person who tagged you.
1. What would make your day worse?
--- pag walang internet connection lalo na sa office :p
2. At what age do/did you wish to settle down?
--- will i ever settle down? why would anyone wish to settle down? i'd wish to be floating and fleeing from one place to another hehe. but do i wish to be married? yes, why the hell not. when? when we are both ready. and yes, i still would want to have more kids. it actually excites me knowing i could actually get to keep a home someday, cooking and cleaning up and taking care of the kids and a bigger kid (the hubby hehe)...nice, welcoming, comforting thought really.
3. What's your favorite genre in music?
--- Alternative Rock
4. What time did you sleep last night?
--- past 12, that's still unusually early for me but kailangan din bumawi paminsan-minsan.
5. What are you doing right now?
--- answering this meme, listening to my playlist, online shopping in multiply, browsing the forum, sipping coffee.
6. Is there someone you're thinking of right now? Who?
--- yes, i wish your exam turns out fine. no more fainting spells ha?
7. When you encounter a sad moment, what do you do?
--- hide out in my room, turn the lights off, play music out loud, cry, no, bawl. then i'd text people.
8. How do you want to be proposed at? or how do you wish to propose?
--- schedule na ng date direcho, no more drama baka maiyak pa ako. haha!
9. What makes your day complete?
--- Be able to submit deadlines or quality work in the office, go out and have great food and drinks with friends after, make passionate, fiery love at home till i pass out and zzzzz...hehehe.
10. List 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
--- Andrea: my sounding board and confidante, fashionista: Paris Hilton ng Pasong Tamo eh; machong bading! hahaha!
11. How do you cope with boredom?
--- I don't. time will pass by whether we like it or not anyway.
12. Is there someone you love (d) who have hurt you in any way? Who?
--- love hurts whether we like it or not. the more it hurts us the more we realize how much we love the person, otherwise i'd just be queber no matter what he does. oops, i'm not answering the question hehe...but yeah, i'm more emo lately...now you know why.
13. What is your dream?
--- "to be the greatest woman in my man's world" hahaha! yan yung dream ko nung high school ako, eek! it sounds mushy, but yes, it still holds true till now. i guess being a great woman in the world won't hold much water if i'm still a nobody to somebody. i might be able to become the most powerful woman in the world but if i'd still get home to an empty home then i will still be a nobody. *bow*
14. If you have one wish, what would you wish for?
--- For more people to make love and stay in love. Parang saging lang, laging may puso! No more war please, jusko!
15. Describe summer 08 in less than 10 words
--- steamy, sexy, fiery, emotional yet fulfilling.
16. Do you believe that dreams do come true?, Why?
--- Yes, we can work it out!
17. What will you do if your loved one ask you to go out??
--- Talon talon split! Tara, saan, now na?
18. What do you look forward in 2008?
--- peace of mind, stability, not much drama pls. but then again since mala telenobela talaga ang buhay, sige more strength and perseverance na lang please.
19. What song is playing in your head right now?
--- sleeps with butterflies, tori amos
20. Who is your favorite singer?
--- Tori Amos
21. Is there anything about you that you would like to share?
--- Keep your cool at all times, know when to shout out for help when needed, or just know when to shout!
Friday, August 08, 2008
was pretty feeling down today. blame it on my selfishness, my own childish nature. yup. i'd most often like to believe that the world still revolves around me. and there are some things that i want and want it right away.
when i would go home for a vacation back then, i was almost always out of the house. i was always with my friends that i'd seldom get to be with my family.
one time my brother just texted me while he was out and i was on that rare moment at home,
"nasa bahay ka ba? kung dadalhan kita ng dunkin donut hindi ka na ba lalabas? "
yup, even at about 20 then i still get bribes haha!
to which i replied, " sige, boston creme please."
when my brother got home, he did brought with him a boxful of donuts. but woe to me there was no boston creme. apparently it was out of stock much to my dismay.
a few moments after that, i got a message from my friends to hang out for the night. i hastily prepared myself and went out. before i got out though, my bro called out,
"bakit ka lalabas dinalhan kita ng donuts ah!"
"eh wala naman boston creme eh!" and hurriedly fled off with a laugh.
buti my brother just shrugged it off na lang hehe.
oh well, yeah, i am revealing a lot of myself with this post. but yup, i've lived independently for more than 14 years now and yes, i do get to allow myself to be childish, utterly dependent sometimes.
well, extreme independence can only be a defense mechanism sometimes especially when you're all alone and have no other choice but to take care of one's self, right?
but sometimes, just sometimes, it does feel good that somehow there is also someone who you could depend on at some given time. just sometimes at least.
so nasaan na ang boston creme ko???!!!!
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
my mom concocts this warm drink every morning each time i'd have some cough and colds. it's just a mixture of tea with lemon and some pinch of salabat. i couldn't take salabat by itself so she makes sure she adds just a little for some tangy taste. it never fails to soothe my sore throat. such angels our moms are, right?
favor please, if your moms are with you right now, can you give them a buss for me? i'd sure wish i could hug and kiss my mom right now for such simple wonders they can do when we are not feeling well.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
this left me almost wanting to cry or to take more cold medicines if only to be lulled back to sleep and forget such cravings. but of course i'm just too tired of crying and i know it still wouldn't change anything. i am no kid anymore and i know i'll just have to fend for myself just the same. i was grasping for things i could hold on to. find people to talk to. to whine with. or at least just knowing that i am and will never be alone. but failed. my bestfriend has always been right, in times of dire need there is really no one to turn to and depend on but one's self. we each have our own battles, our own choices. sad but true but indeed it's every man for himself.
resolved myself to watching The Crow, one of my comfort films from college. i don't know but i just feel great solace in the loud music and violence of this film embedded in a what could be mushy love story. there is comfort in darkness indeed.
and i am currently reading a Nancy Drew book which takes me back to grade school when i was younger and restless and more secured of myself.
sigh. i guess i just miss my dad. i miss being held in his strong arms most especially on cold rainy days as i softly cry myself to sleep. yes, i used to have this habit of crying along with the rain as a child. at least i've learned to shirk away such habit since then. good riddance!
back in my old dorm, i used to have this really big pillow i'd use when i want to lie on the floor while reading a book or just watch tv. i told my sister about this once and she told me it has always been my habit as a child. i'd carry my pillows and sleep on the floor instead. she said that i might be regressing, seeking for comforts i had from childhood. at least my bed is now quite low i won't have to bring down my pillows. the floor is quite cold eh hehe...
i am still holding on to whatever strength i could hold on to inside me. i do get by somehow. i have to. time will pass anyway and the sun will come out soon. as eric draven would say, "it can't rain all the time!"
meanwhile, i'll just have to settle with preparing myself some hot chocolate drink for the nearest comfort of home i'd want to revel on.
Saturday, August 02, 2008
(this was a blog entry dated aug. 27, 2006 as imported from my friendster blog. i was prompted to repost this after my bestfriend told me she discovered some lump on her breast. i am scared for whatever the outcome maybe but for someone who had undergone such operation, i wanted to be strong for her too.)
i will be sporting another scar on my body soon. well, technically it's still but a wound. a freshly sewn wound.
just underwent a minor surgery last saturday. i discovered a lump on my right breast 5 months ago and had it checked. it was supposed to have gone away by now but nope t'was still there clinging stubbornly like its host. thus my ob referred me to a surgeon and was told it had no intentions of going away instead i was actually feeding and letting it grow as i ate and slept and drank. i should have wished for some ascari ova instead!
thus a week later i found myself lying on an operating table once again.
i was scared though i wanna feel numb.
my body would stiffen a bit but i had to be relaxed.
i felt like sweating out but the ac was turned in full blast.
i wanted to cry but mama was too far away.
so there, instead i just closed my eyes and took deep breaths. and of course imagined a lot of nice, beautiful things.
i had xan's smiling face on my mind. i thought of him laughing and giggling and shouting. i thought of us playing on the white sand beach with deep blue green water and a blazing sun. i just imagined that when this is all over i can play with my son already.
i thought of nasty things too. i pictured our office bruha being torn apart flesh for flesh, limb after limb as the doc tugged on my flesh. an excruciatingly delicious feeling indeed.
i though of it as all the pains and worries and the negative energies stored in my body being drained off. i wanted to believe i felt unbelievably lighter and warmer as each part was taken away.
back to earth, the doctor told me that it was all over. that she was about to sew me back up. i was supposed to take it easier the next few days, get more rest and not to lift heavy things. of course, my first question was, "how soon can i travel?" syempre! i need to see my son, i need to go to that white island paradise. after all it's what kept me sane and motivated to not panic. ;)
oh well, the most times when i've been examined and reexamined i've already thought that my body is not mine anymore but someone else's specimen. somehow i've lost my soul but instead what's there are components of flesh and fluids and bones. i heard the doctor telling the nurse to cover up the window as i was exposed but somehow i couldn't care less.
i mean, should i care to cover up a nipple when the doc is already tugging on my flesh as blood flowed?
would anyone be ever interested on my skin when my entrails are exposed?
(fastforward to today: i'm now doing well and good. the biopsy result was negative for cancer cells. the stitch is barely visible. thank god, the goddesses, the moon and the stars!)