irrationalities

something just came over me when i was about to board that train tonight, something which made me just turn around and retreat my steps. i guess there are just times when it's but easy to give in to one's whims. to just walk away and hope against hope that the people who are expecting you will understand without asking for an explanation.

i'm not saying i ought to be forgiven unquestionably. but i am hoping just the same that they will.

i guess it was just some plain expression of disappointment. of frustration. of not fighting it. that instead of going on and keeping a straight face i chose to just retreat and hide in the comforts of my darkened room.

no explanations. no more questions for now, please.

i was bratty. i am bratty. and i will always be. take me for what i am.

it is when times like this when i'd get to ask myself again:

was i brought up the wrong way?

was i overindulged as a kid that even at this age i'd still get to throw tantrums and act irrationally?

or is this how i'm just wired?

i've always liked to believe that i am patient. i have learned to understand people the best way i could. i'd seek for answers on my own. i could even invent/make up rationalizations on their behalf even before i'd get to hear their explanations if only for me to understand and forgive.

it's one mean feat but that's is how i'd like to deal with the people close to me. i prefer not to confront, to shout back, to question, to demand.

unless when i'm totally provoked.

i'm not that strong. i can't keep a straight face all the time.

a lot of questions still hover around me. but i still would like to believe that i know what i want. i'm just praying and hoping that what i want wants me too.

i'm not making sense.

i just need some hugs. bear hugs please.

frustrated...

...with a capital F hehe.

watched the Lifehouse concert hoping to hear at least my fave song from them which is Breathing. Blind, Spin, Everything, and Sick Cycle Carousel were but secondary and yet they didn't sing them as well except for Blind.
they sang mostly the new ones and those which i'm not familiar really. sad, sad, sad.
and yes, we were surrounded by screaming high school girls, woe to our eardrums haha!



P.S. Jason Wade isn't that hot after all.

in memoriam

yeah, sorry but i fell asleep on some parts of Dark Knight but it was more because i barely had sleep during our Manila-Baguio trip and we just dropped by SM Baguio when the rains got so hard that we couldn't go anywhere else to sightsee.

but i did remember almost wanting to cry during that scene when Joker (Heath Ledger) was being interrogated in the precinct. he just acted so well i felt so sad he's actually gone. i realized how it great it must be if we could still see more of his prowess.

we could only wonder what characters he could still portray so well and carve out a better niche for himself.



his images reminded me of another fallen hero i've grown to love as well, Bruce Lee's only son Brandon Lee who portrayed Eric Draven in one of the movies of The Crow. Like his father and Heath Ledger, he too met some untimely death when they were on the prime of their careers.

midway through the movie, i sent a text message to my sister that i'd want The Crow's poster back so i can have it in my room. The poster has been given to me by a college friend back in the 90s and i suddenly missed it so bad. i vow to watch my dvd again soon when i have the time, if only to recall the poetry, the morbidity of it all.

and yes, i still have to watch Dark Knight one more time so i can actually appreciate it in full.

to our fallen heroes, so long....

ref attack!

for now, there's nothing but a couple of beers, some eggs, and chocolates inside my ref. but i'm pretty hoping they are more than enough to keep my hormonal self some company for now.

for now.

when it's Sandman that's keeping you awake

i just got this gem at the powerbooks MOA last weekend for barely P700!

i had to get it pricey as it is as the last Sandman graphic novel that i got was its prequel which was the Season of Mists and i do want to buy and read it as chronologically as possible.

i have to say it's hard reading this at night, the scenes were pretty gory and i just had to finish reading it even if it was like 4am or else i'd dream about being in their weird dreams haha!

oh well, i still have 7 books to go including the first 2 books which i just read somewhere but haven't got a copy still. and i hope to complete all 10 in my lifetime. so help me, Morpheus.

freedom to commute

I’ve to say I’m not really a commuter. I’ve lived and worked here in Katipunan eversince I relocated here more than ten years ago. The nearest I could go to safely by jeep must be in Cubao hehe…the rest, I’d just easily hail and hop on some cab to take me wherever. Yup, I’ve been called by my close friends as their resident “taxi girl”.

LRTs and MRTs have changed my life a bit when they were still new and exciting but I went back to patronizing the ever convenient and reliable taxi cabs after a while.

But with this frequent fuel increases and the taxi drivers getting more and more masungit and mataray every minute I just can’t help but scramble for the better alternatives. Thus today, when my sister asked me for an errand to the Intramuros, I just thought of buying myself store valued tickets for both the lrt2 purple line and the mrt. Oh well, it will expire in 6 months and I’m supposed to be able to have one more free ride before consumption. Not that I’m supposed to be regularly commuting to the places plied by these trains anyway, at least I’ll have them handy whenever we need to go to Gateway or to Ayala or to watch eigai sai in Shangrila or just have some siomai in Jenn’s place in Shaw, yey!

Sana lang 24 hours na sila for the nocturnal people like us. It must really be fun!

I dunno up to when I’d be able to sustain this vigor to commute once more. I remember I stopped taking taxis for a while too when they raised the flag down rate from P25 to P30. And I’m here I am now vowing to lessen my taxi rides with the impending raise of its flag down from P30 to P40 this time. Let’s see, let’s see.

un-jinxed!

i had initial misgivings about watching this game, after all it's been years since i saw one live. and in those few games that i've seen our team has always lost. i've thought that watching our team losing over and over again has told me to just stop watching it live. there's more comfort in watching it on tv anyway with replays and comments most especially about technicalities and all. yeah right!



and it did came into my mind that i might have some jinx somewhere that should stop me from watching anymore of this game.

but i thought i'd give it a try one more time. after all it's been years and hopefully such jinx has waned a bit hehehe.

back home my brother was also watching and i asked him to let Xan wear his blue jersey and to send me his pic which he did. some desperate attempt?

all through out the game i guess i just drank the heady feeling of being in a coliseum-full of basketball fanatics cheering for their respective teams. i'm no basketball junkie. i don't really know the technicalities, all i'd note is on who's holding the ball, which court each shot takes place, and who's the current hottie player wehehe...

but the feeling of being a mere speck of hopeful amidst the sea of blue and green fanatics can be overwhelming. i've only been an atenean for 4 years yet i feel that i will be for the rest of my life. i look around and i see middle aged spectators still beaming that same smile, same pride they must have had years and years ago when they were in their youth. it's just amazing really, and i can't blame them, look what i'm doing to Xan!

and yes, there's always half-time! nothing beats the exhilaration too of watching and being able to cheer with our team. too bad i don't know some cheers already.


i was praying over and over again for our boys not to let us down this time. not only for myself but for the man with me who is only able to watch this game once a year if his sked permits and who i was hoping will change my personal history with these games.

and thanks to chris tiu, we actually got it! i finally realized we could actually win this game after the other team's misses and Tiu's frequent attempts at the free-throws. with each second ticking and each point counted i finally felt the sense of sweet, awesome victory.


forgive the drama but i realized i miss singing our school hymn for once. the feeling is totally overwhelming. there are no words to describe it. and there's more vigor in singing it when we've actually won the game.

LSS

nagising ako with this nagging song in mind:

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I'm miserable now

In my life
Why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die ?


bat naman ganun?
oh well, sana gumanda pa ang araw ko.