irrationalities

something just came over me when i was about to board that train tonight, something which made me just turn around and retreat my steps. i guess there are just times when it's but easy to give in to one's whims. to just walk away and hope against hope that the people who are expecting you will understand without asking for an explanation.

i'm not saying i ought to be forgiven unquestionably. but i am hoping just the same that they will.

i guess it was just some plain expression of disappointment. of frustration. of not fighting it. that instead of going on and keeping a straight face i chose to just retreat and hide in the comforts of my darkened room.

no explanations. no more questions for now, please.

i was bratty. i am bratty. and i will always be. take me for what i am.

it is when times like this when i'd get to ask myself again:

was i brought up the wrong way?

was i overindulged as a kid that even at this age i'd still get to throw tantrums and act irrationally?

or is this how i'm just wired?

i've always liked to believe that i am patient. i have learned to understand people the best way i could. i'd seek for answers on my own. i could even invent/make up rationalizations on their behalf even before i'd get to hear their explanations if only for me to understand and forgive.

it's one mean feat but that's is how i'd like to deal with the people close to me. i prefer not to confront, to shout back, to question, to demand.

unless when i'm totally provoked.

i'm not that strong. i can't keep a straight face all the time.

a lot of questions still hover around me. but i still would like to believe that i know what i want. i'm just praying and hoping that what i want wants me too.

i'm not making sense.

i just need some hugs. bear hugs please.