gone but will never be forgotten

i've always been mercurial when i'm PMSing (sorry TMI, guys!), i could be ecstatic now and just downright depressed in a few moments.

i woke up feeling alright, i felt light and raring to work or watch a movie or just do about anything i want to do. i'm planning out things, i'm preparing my sched for the next months and i'm just so excited with finally being able to go where i want to go this summer. i was alright.

then while browsing through the different threads in pex, i chanced upon this thread and browsed through. and i realized i shouldn't have most especially after reading this poem:

Funeral Blues
W.H Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

I first heard of this in the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral. I've somehow forgotten what the movie is all about but reading this poem once again just made me really, really sad. Because i happen to have used this in my journal years back when my dad passed away.

and i suddenly miss him so much.

and i remember it was his birthday last april 5 and i totally forgot about it.

i remember struggling too long for most of my college life blaming myself for being such a bad daughter. he was sick for a long, long time and i remember fleeing from reality for most of the time then. for i preferred immersing myself with activities in school and being with my friends rather than being by his side where he needed me most.

i practically grew up having him around. i used to sleep beside him as a kid. i used to wait for him after work for our daily walks till the sun sets. i used to wait up for him if only to report whoever kid fought with me that day no matter how trivial the fight was. i would already be crying even before i could tell him who and why i got hurt.

when he got sick, was in and out of the hospital, became bedridden for almost 10 years it was just my mom who took care of him. i went away for most of the time. i didn't want to see him sick and weak and unable to talk even. it broke my young heart seeing him just slowly slipping away.

when he passed away just right after my 18th birthday i was away from home. i wasn't able to go home that christmas break thus i wasn't even able to greet him that one last time.

a lot in me changed since then. i've always been so insecure. i've always felt so remorseful. and i never had any decent interest for any guy as i didn't really want to be close to anyone if only to see them leave once again.

it was only during my senior year, during my college retreat when i was finally processed by our spiritual director. all those years of blaming myself, of being sorry and regretful for not having been with him for a long time before he finally left was finally poured out. and i somehow made peace with him and myself.

but i still have these bouts once in a while.

there is always this fear of being left behind.

but i have learned to just appreciate, make the most of what i got and just be grateful for any wonderful relationships that come my way.

which reminds me of one other song which i find really beautiful but sad too. i'm just really hoping and praying that i won't ever have the need for these type of songs anymore:



Deep Inside of You
Third Eye Blind

When we met, light was shed
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you

A wind chime voice sound
Sway of your hips round rings true
It goes deep inside of you

These secret garden beams
Changed my life, so it seems
A fall breeze blows outside
I don't break stride, my thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you
Oh yeah

And I never felt alone, alright
Oh oh, till I met you

Friends say I've changed
I don't listen 'cuz I live to be
Deep inside of you

Slide of her dress
Shouts in darkness, I'm so alive
I'm deep inside of you

You said, "boy make girl feel good"
But still, deep inside
Still

I've never felt alone
Till I met you
I'm alright on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do
If I just knew what's coming

I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them
And I'd say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you

And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you
'Cuz I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you, and it's true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me

But we were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know

Something's gone, you withdraw
And I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you

I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare
At a ghost deep inside of you

And some great need in me
Starts to bleed
I've lost myself, there's nothing left
It's all gone
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you