(this was a blog entry dated aug. 27, 2006 as imported from my friendster blog. i was prompted to repost this after my bestfriend told me she discovered some lump on her breast. i am scared for whatever the outcome maybe but for someone who had undergone such operation, i wanted to be strong for her too.)
i will be sporting another scar on my body soon. well, technically it's still but a wound. a freshly sewn wound.
just underwent a minor surgery last saturday. i discovered a lump on my right breast 5 months ago and had it checked. it was supposed to have gone away by now but nope t'was still there clinging stubbornly like its host. thus my ob referred me to a surgeon and was told it had no intentions of going away instead i was actually feeding and letting it grow as i ate and slept and drank. i should have wished for some ascari ova instead!
thus a week later i found myself lying on an operating table once again.
i was scared though i wanna feel numb.
my body would stiffen a bit but i had to be relaxed.
i felt like sweating out but the ac was turned in full blast.
i wanted to cry but mama was too far away.
so there, instead i just closed my eyes and took deep breaths. and of course imagined a lot of nice, beautiful things.
i had xan's smiling face on my mind. i thought of him laughing and giggling and shouting. i thought of us playing on the white sand beach with deep blue green water and a blazing sun. i just imagined that when this is all over i can play with my son already.
i thought of nasty things too. i pictured our office bruha being torn apart flesh for flesh, limb after limb as the doc tugged on my flesh. an excruciatingly delicious feeling indeed.
i though of it as all the pains and worries and the negative energies stored in my body being drained off. i wanted to believe i felt unbelievably lighter and warmer as each part was taken away.
back to earth, the doctor told me that it was all over. that she was about to sew me back up. i was supposed to take it easier the next few days, get more rest and not to lift heavy things. of course, my first question was, "how soon can i travel?" syempre! i need to see my son, i need to go to that white island paradise. after all it's what kept me sane and motivated to not panic. ;)
oh well, the most times when i've been examined and reexamined i've already thought that my body is not mine anymore but someone else's specimen. somehow i've lost my soul but instead what's there are components of flesh and fluids and bones. i heard the doctor telling the nurse to cover up the window as i was exposed but somehow i couldn't care less.
i mean, should i care to cover up a nipple when the doc is already tugging on my flesh as blood flowed?
would anyone be ever interested on my skin when my entrails are exposed?
(fastforward to today: i'm now doing well and good. the biopsy result was negative for cancer cells. the stitch is barely visible. thank god, the goddesses, the moon and the stars!)