Monday, August 18, 2008

there's gotta be a better ending than this...

i've had a pretty rough long weekend.

it might not have a shown a bit as i chose to keep myself busy over a lot of other things if only for me not to notice what i have been missing terribly.

i spent most of my saturday sleeping and going out to buy stuff. the price of loneliness can be quite expensive. but i wanted to give myself some rest by buying more items limiting myself to the houseware section and the children's department for Xan's clothes. i chose not to buy stuff for myself. i decided to just focus on other people. for once i didn't even bother try eating out. instead i found ways to cook meals for myself. after all preparing and cooking meals is another bit of distraction.

i tried out preparing tuna mushroom omellete. then studied the preparation of french toasts. tonight i whipped up some bacon mushroom pasta in creamy tomato. i've been cooking and eating the past days.( i took a lot of pictures but adding them here will only make this post so pretentiously happy. )

i'm glad i still have a couple of Nancy Drews to read till i could finally sleep. and sleep takes place 6-7am.

but i felt light. i felt i need not worry about missing anyone. time will pass by quickly just the same anyway.

but feeling light and seemingly worry-free made me feel uneasy for a while. it seemed strange. it didn't feel right. something felt utterly wrong.

i rationalized thinking it was meant to be. maybe i just prepared myself too much. i didn't need to feel anymore burden about it.

i even went out with friends and told people how i felt. it was a strange feeling just the same.

then it actually came.

i was staring at the ceiling thinking how unbelievably light i felt but only broke down into sobs. it came out softly then it became uncontrollable. i started to wail. it felt harder and harder to breathe but i felt great sobbing and crying and wailing. it was so weird. i wanted to stop but i could not. i must have cried for hours till i fell asleep.

i woke up feeling so tired and wanting to cry some more. my throat hurt and my head started throbbing. it was plain painful i knew i just had to let it all out.

after a while i texted friends because i wanted to go out and walk. i wanted to shop, eat, drink some more. unfortunately no one was available. woe is me!

i wento to tiendesitas and loitered around a bit. i was eyeing this purple swimsuit but found out i could not withdraw cash from all of the 3 atms in tiendesitas including the 2 terminals in SM Hypermart. i realized maybe it was the world's way of telling me i should not buy anything more. i don't need it anyway. i went home after walking around a bit.

i still feel so tired.

and now there's this other news that broke my heart once more. my hometown of iligan has just been put into a state of calamity. people were killed, a lot of others evacuated. some friends texted me and found it good that i am here and safe. i could not thank them at all. why should i, my family is still back home. i can't help but be worried sick about them.

i used to shrug off terrorist attack news back home. now it just feels so real. and i don't know how to react on it anymore.

my sister is leaving in the next few days too. but oh, that's another sob story on my end of the world. yes, people leave because they have to. i have learned to accept that a long time ago. it's something we cannot control really. but we can't also help feeling sad about it if only for a while.

i don't mind indulging on the sadness for now till i'd eventually feel okay about everything. it takes a while of getting used to, eh.

meanwhile, help me pray for strength, for peace, for understanding.

i am hoping tomorrow, the next days will be better ones.

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