regressions

woke up feeling this great longing for some things utterly familiar to my system. i missed my mama's champorado with coconut milk which she usually serves on cold rainy days as this. and the endless chatterings with my young nieces and nephews. or just the smell of my old sheets and good old homecooking wafting in the air.

this left me almost wanting to cry or to take more cold medicines if only to be lulled back to sleep and forget such cravings. but of course i'm just too tired of crying and i know it still wouldn't change anything. i am no kid anymore and i know i'll just have to fend for myself just the same. i was grasping for things i could hold on to. find people to talk to. to whine with. or at least just knowing that i am and will never be alone. but failed. my bestfriend has always been right, in times of dire need there is really no one to turn to and depend on but one's self. we each have our own battles, our own choices. sad but true but indeed it's every man for himself.

resolved myself to watching The Crow, one of my comfort films from college. i don't know but i just feel great solace in the loud music and violence of this film embedded in a what could be mushy love story. there is comfort in darkness indeed.

and i am currently reading a Nancy Drew book which takes me back to grade school when i was younger and restless and more secured of myself.

sigh. i guess i just miss my dad. i miss being held in his strong arms most especially on cold rainy days as i softly cry myself to sleep. yes, i used to have this habit of crying along with the rain as a child. at least i've learned to shirk away such habit since then. good riddance!

back in my old dorm, i used to have this really big pillow i'd use when i want to lie on the floor while reading a book or just watch tv. i told my sister about this once and she told me it has always been my habit as a child. i'd carry my pillows and sleep on the floor instead. she said that i might be regressing, seeking for comforts i had from childhood. at least my bed is now quite low i won't have to bring down my pillows. the floor is quite cold eh hehe...

i am still holding on to whatever strength i could hold on to inside me. i do get by somehow. i have to. time will pass anyway and the sun will come out soon. as eric draven would say, "it can't rain all the time!"

meanwhile, i'll just have to settle with preparing myself some hot chocolate drink for the nearest comfort of home i'd want to revel on.