Monday, January 19, 2009

out of boredom

it's past 4am and i can't sleep. my mind is teeming with thoughts.

i would have to say that i have indeed gotten older. age has finally caught up with me. i can feel it creeping in. i now realize that the world i am standing on is not as sturdy as i believe it was. i once thought and believe that nothing much could affect me. i have always been too arrogant, too proud, too nonchalant. i have always considered myself as some golden child, that nothing unfortunate could ever happen to me no matter how carefree i could be.

after that hold-up incident on my birthday night i have to admit i am forever shaken. i will always be scarred. it is mostly after that when i have opened my eyes and saw harsh realities around me. they finally hit home. all these police reports news which we mostly consider as crap now matter.

on my first day here in manila after last holidays vacation i didn't go out to jog around campus. well it was really cold, but most of all i am still scared shitless. i still have the image of some guy in a red jacket and a red cap poking some gun on my face.

when i went home that night, i saw a kid snatched something from some older guy and ran. the guy ran after him and oh, how i was praying so hard that he'd get caught and be mauled to death, i don't care. i must have been shivering when i got home. not from the cold but more from fear.

i had dinner last night with some friends and on my way home we passed by some mob and i automatically locked the cab door. there was a car accident and a lot of people milled around. i on the other hand was afraid that some guy would open my door or break the windows. i told the driver to just go on and rush ahead.

sigh, it is never easy. i know some people had it worse. that this is but part of the harsh realities of life and it should not stop me from still believing in the goodness of man. maybe because i have been sheltered too long. or i have only been exposed to the best, most goodnatured of people. i blame it on my profession then. but now i know i just can't breathe in all the good news all the time.

i saw the curious case of benjamin button tonight and cried on the first 5 minutes. a man longing for his son who he lost to war crafted a watch that turns counterclockwise in the hope of bringing his son back. that must be love in its truest sense.

and it must be love which made a Creole lady keep some abandoned monster of a baby for herself and rear him till the very end even with his most bizarre characteristics. and it is the love story between Benjamin and Daisy which weaves this movie as a whole. I can't help but be reminded of Forrest and Jenny. a kind of love which is forever enduring and understanding no matter what the circumstances are. and each character has their own important story to tell about living and loving.

I say life is after all never boring. and this is quite a revelation for someone like me who in my younger years would always complain about being bored and feeling empty. life is indeed so rich and people's lives are all interesting. and since most of our lives get to intertwine anyway our life becomes as enriched as everybody else's.

when i left the cinema, all i really wanted to do was kiss Xan and tell him how much i love him and how sorry i am that i couldn't be there when he might need me the most. i realize now that at least i am actually capable of loving. that i know how it is to really care for people. that i could utter words of prayers for their safety and well being just about anytime. that night on my birthday, i could not bring myself to scream or fight back because i fear for the safety of my nieces and my nephews. i realize that night how much i love them and how much they mean to me.

i was talking to a friend tonight and he was telling me how lonely he is. i so wanted to tell him to go back to his family, to treasure his kids, to feel what love really is all about. but of course i could not. i after all don't know everything still. sometimes all we can do is listen. and pray for things to get better for everyone else.

it is indeed a tough world. it maybe harsh but it can still be beautiful. all we really have to do is be stronger and believe in the greater power of love. because as Momma Queenie would aptly say. " You never know what's comin' for ya!"

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