confessions of a wanderlust

this is not an ordinary travelogue...

i remember i first got to travel long distance when we went to bacolod for a lola's funeral...i was about 4 or 5 then. we had to travel by boat from iligan to bacolod which took more than 15 hours then. i remembered i got so seasick, i had fever, i had to lie down on top of biscuit cans since the boat was kinda crowded.

i dunno, i was always sickly as a child. we would go to my other lola's place less than an hour by bus from our city and i would puke like hell everytime. mom would always tell me to take something hot even just water before i would travel. i would puke water instead. sigh. i'd eat something and i would barf whatever food i just ate. i thought i was gonna be a hopeless traveller.

i guess my mom took that as a challenge to take me wherever i could go. i would dread the thought of riding buses and smelling gasoline fumes. funny thing is i would be more dizzy smelling white flower and all those liniments. back then bonamine was nonexistent.

sigh. and here i am with a work that lets me travel more than 50% of the time. yeah, travelling has become a sort of addiction. i still get dizzy from time to time though. even puked a few number of times when the road really gets bumpy. bonamine is now my bestfriend.

but i realized travelling has filled up such a deep void inside of me.

here i go now.

i am always in search for something. i can't seem to stay in one place for a long time. and yeah, i am greatly claustrophobic. blame it on some stupid game i got messed up with as a kid. i can't seem to breathe when i'm confined in one place for so long. and yes, it's ever present even with how i deal with people. how i handle relationships. i am always in search. i always want to get away. to escape and get lost somewhere. i tend to want to run away when the current thing that i'm having is kinda closing in on me slowly but surely.

i'm not just you're ordinary traveller who gets itchy feet whenever. i have this deep longing for something i dunno what it is really.

i still feel i need to find my way home. just that right now i don't really know where home is. not even with my son i guess. darn, i hate this.

i so freakin hate this when a lot of things need answers.

maybe i just want to be needed sometimes.

i just dunno where is that exact place right now.

i could continue to search.

or i could just stay and look deep inside of me.

just thinkin about it makes me wanna puke once again. sigh.

sorry, as i said this is not an ordinary travelogue...

i'm in deep sh*t, am i???