playing mommy

yes, i'm a mom. i have to remind myself of that once in a while not just because i get to be with my Xan a few times every couple of months but more so because he has grown so much everytime i get to see him. it is actually hard for me to believe that the not so little boy anymore actually came from my body!

well, i got home today and my son was actually beaming when he saw me! he felt shy and held on to my mom for a while but later eased up and gladly posed for the camera too.

oh well, yeah, i'm having such a camwhore of a son now! he was giggling and laughing and was later hugging me. aawww...the greatest feeling indeed is to be truly missed by one's own flesh and blood.

but then again maybe he was just having fun with the camera that he was so ready to smile and grab my phone each shot to check how he looked and would shriek out upon seeing his face haha! but no, i don't want my son's eagerness in seeing me be clouded with doubts all at once. just that right now i am currently basking at the warmth of his kisses and hugs too. and i have the luxury to enjoy all that for the next few days. never mind if that would mean me having to carry him sometimes (all 13 kilos of him!) or having to run around to catch him as he scuttles off to wherever. or watch Dora and Diego with him (which i so love anyway!) sing and sway with him and yell out answers with him till he tires and, rolls on the bed and dozes off to sleep hehehe...i don't really wanna complain. right now i just want to enjoy every bit, every minute of being with my Xan. :)

saving that face

i've been having my daily fix of calvin and hobbes lately from myucomics.com and this one's just my classic favorite:

will Xan be as smart as that kid too? wehehehehe...abangan!

livin' lovin'

(one good morning brought to you by mcdonald's)

woke up early this morning to attend a 6am mass with a friend.

yeah, as i've been saying again and again, am actually loving my life now more than ever. i'm sort of going back to what i used to enjoy doing...not just the mass thing but the fun, deep conversations i've been longing for some time.

a lot of memories have been stirred within me as we talked about the books we loved, the movies we can never forget, the songs we always wanted to hear, the experiences and quips with good old friends and teachers. i so love the fact that i can now openly display my passion for such movies as before sunrise/ sunset, great expectations, what's eating gilbert grape, sent down girl, or the books by jostein gaarder, or discuss more of thirdy's philo without getting some duh! looks on my friend's face. yes, i'm just so glad to be currently surrounded with people i could actually talk to and connect with. wow!

yeah, the past years i've been everywhere drinking each sight and savoring each wonder of the places i go to but just the same there has always been that deep longing in me, that empty pit i never knew how to fill. i feel i've been gone too long. goin everywhere to find those things who could satiate my ever wandering and wondering soul. geez!

i guess this is just one of the wonders of the all-too-familiar-and-always-available-at-mornings-only-mcdonald's-breakfast-meals-but-i-could-rarely-enjoy-because-of-my-highly-nocturnal-behavior could bring, noh?

as we we're walking home we saw this sign which read "masarap maging atenista!" and we both kinda agreed to it. i even related to him how i'd use to "get emo" outside our tambayan then and say "i don't have any penny not even a piso in my pocket but at least i'm still in ateneo" sort of line. and how i reminded him of us having tried out all the value meals at mcdo just to make do with our meager scholar's allowances. imagine him buying cheeseburger meal with extra rice??! he'd take out the burger patty to go as viand to his rice and voila! he's got an extra cheese sandwich too! how creative can one get? LOL!

oh wel, that's how simple our life then but far too enriched nonetheless.

eek, i'm blabbering now. gotta get more zzzzz's.

which doughnut are you?

i heard these are actually available at Krispy Kremes. talk about one great marketing strategy huh! varieties include:

UE Red Warriors donut - red cherry
DLSU Green Archers donut - green apple
ADMU Blue Eagles donut- Blueberry
UST Growling Tigers donut - Lemon

so which one are you? hahahaha!

revising my playlist

1 gig of memory is never enough to contain all my desired mp3s on my playlist as i have to save space for my vids, images, etc...i'm thinking of updating my hits and get to listen more to my newly acquired (re: downloaded from multiply) ones hehe...Note that i get to listen to this more when i go out to jog...thus all mellow/mushy songs i leave in my pc which i'd usually just listen to at work...so here's my random 25 songs so far...and yeah, if you have any suggestions pls do so...send the mp3 na din, yey!

1. Bouncing off Clouds, Tori Amos...kinda upbeat, very positive song.

2. All I Want, Toad the Wet Sprocket...for my 80's blood

3. A Lack of Color, Death Cab by Cuties...not so upbeat but it's like taking me to some woody, comfy countryside.

4. Down with the Sickness, Disturb...makes me want to pound on the streets and stride faster and quicker..

5. The Walk, Imogen Heap...fun, catchy...energetic.

6. Soul Meets Body, Death Cab for Cuties...see previous blog entry with vid hehe..

7. Flood, Jars of Clay..."rain, rain on my face hasn't stop raining for days..."

8. Crash Into Me, Dave Matthews Band...oh so sexy song that makes me want to lose all that excess fats fast!

9. So Far Away...reminds me of who i'm missing and what i have to fight and work for...if only to get to that part when i don't want to wake up anymore from the dream.

10. No Ordinary Love, Deftones...i have yet to hear the original Sade version...but i adore this one already.

11. We Give in Sometimes, Up Dharma Down..."fire and ice meet in between"

12. System, Chester Bennington...He's just soo freakin hot in this song...and the lyrics are just so vampire-y..:D

13. Hot Gates, 300 OST...because am gonna be all ready for battle wahahaha!

14. Mayonaise, Smashing Pumpkins (acoustic cover)...love that part nung pumiyok siya sabay tawa LOL!

15. Closer (Remix), Nine Inch Nails...my most fave distorted love song...the musical experience is almost religious, whoa!

16. Stolen, Dasboard Confessional...my more mushy love song. Reminds me of that summer when i had the most fun.

17. Siren...from my fave movie of all time, Great Expectations, sang by my most fave artist of this lifetime, Tori Amos. I love how she plays with her vocals.

18. Sunburn, Fuel...one summer song I can listen to for all seasons.

19. With or Without You, Keane cover...i love his rendition too.

20. Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol...if I just lay here would you lie with me, and just forget the world.

21. 747, Kent...must be the video that makes me want to run real fast...

22. Tears, The Chameleons UK...one catchy, truly lovable 80s hit. ;)

23. City of Blinding Lights, U2...other than it being about NY or any other great city, it greatly tells how much better it must be to remain naive and innocent and continue to have that sense of wonder for everything we are passionate about.

24. Purple People (Live), Tori Amos...pls refer to my previous uploaded video by the PS22 choir haha!

25. Today, Smashing Pumpkins...Love it! i want this to be played on my birthday, on my wedding day, on my funeral, all day, everyday! Hahaha!

...because this soul needs nurturing too.

Music Video: SOUL MEETS BODY -Death Cab For Cuties

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what it's like to be new

Because in my head there's a Greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far-off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
Where they're far more suited than here

I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another's
And not one speck will remain

I do believe it's true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So, brown eyes, I'll hold you near
Because you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body

And I do believe it's true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So, brown eyes, I'll hold you near
Because you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

retaking the ACET

this weekend was ACET (ateneo college entrance test) weekend and though the rains poured in heavily, students from different schools poured in too some with their parents, guardians, companions, even yayas and drivers. Filling the high school ground to the rafters.

am one of the few who actually gets to take the ACET almost every year...i actually now have an MA in ACET wahahah! no, not that i actually get to take the exam...i have been a proctor twice back in college, and has later been elevated to examiner after graduating.

not that i enjoy seeing students getting tortured by exams but i have to admit though that i find amusement in seeing young ladies (yeah, at 16 these kids now look lady like enough!) come in all freshened up and leave the room after four hours all haggard and harassed hehe...or seeing young men appear all confident and later check out the questions and stare in seeming disbelief at their test booklets as if asking themselves why they got there anyway.

what keeps me from coming back each year though is that i get inspired in seeing kids remain hopeful and aiming their best shot at being able to attend a prestigious school. it might not be a big deal for some but i just love the ateneo...i have fond memories of this school and i just feel a deep sense of pride and excitement too for them who also want to experience what i did.

and hey, even if some of them don't get to pass now...they can always try again next time. no harm in trying once more if it's what you really want you know. *wink*

one bad news on a sunday morning...

...sigh.

woke up with one text message from my friend, sugar...tito allan passed away this morning :(

tito alan is jap's dad. but he's more than just just his dad, he was also one of our friends too. he would join us in most of our gimmicks, brought us a bottle of wine one time when we celebrated lala's birthday. even sat with us and talked with us. he would see to it we get home safe when we were still out on the streets back in high school. or even when we got older.

having lost my own dad at an early age, having a father figure has always been a welcome thought.

i learned he got really sick, had a stroke and fell on a coma last May. i actually prayed i'd still get to see him alive by the time i go home to iligan last june. and yeah, i did. but he was not the same tito allan i remembered. it was heartbreaking seeing him lying on the hospital bed with tubes attached to his body and him looking so frail and helpless.

and i couldn''t bear the sight of him for long...that's exactly what my dad went through.

it's kinda hard to endure the sight of seeing someone strong and healthy slowly slipping away. i remember telling him to "rage, rage against the dying of the light" the same way i told my dad a long time ago. of couse, i was still somehow hoping i'd see him again on the streets, on the bars we go to.

but yeah, sigh. he's truly gone. i'll just have to live with it.

20th

happy 20th month my dear Xan!!

too bad you're sick like mommy too...have lotsa juice and lugaw then.

mwah!!

contracting sickness...

called home yesterday only to find out that my not-so-lil-anymore Xan is sick...fever and colds and cough...i felt saddened and later felt feverish and cold too...oo na, mahirap talaga may inggit sa katawan but that's how i felt...

i remember when my first nephew was circumcized years back...i saw him so pale and in pain though he was not complaining or saying anything at all...the next day i had fever...for him...for days.

my mom just called a while ago that they are now at the doctor's office for Xan's check up. apparently all the boys at home are sick. now i really am feverish...with colds...with a terrible headache...i had to take double doses of Vit. C and paracetamol and cold tablet and whatever meds i could get my hands on...this is indeed mega inggit.

and a while ago i just learned that my pretty one is sick too. ugh!

missing my sister

hmm..it's not her birthday or mine or anything at all...it's just one ordinary, forgettable day...but i'm just missing her...i don't know why...i know i could text her or message her anytime...but i don't want to...i know she's just around...living her own life...touching other people's lives with her work...enjoying the sceneries of Fifth Ave, Central Park, etc...sipping her Starbucks coffee...spending sexy times with her hubby...laughing it out with her fellow Pinoy friends...whatever...i just wish she's truly happy.

selfish as it may sound, am lucky being her spoiled brat of a sis. she gives me stuff even when i don't ask for them. she supplies me with all the cosmetics and shoes and bags and clothes though most of them i just assume they are all for me even if apparently they are not wehehehe...sorry na lang sa maunahan. too bad she can't give me the best havaianas as styles of havs in the US are kinda crappy hmpf! hehehe...oh well...and i can ask her for more dough when i need it. oops, am not taking advantage...am just being myself..the pretty lil sis in need. *toink*

it's not really easy living with her. she could be really noisy sometimes and i'm the awfully quiet one...but she has always been my best counselor. she can mouth out the best of advices even when it's unsolicited...but that's just what she is...and i really believe i'm needing her now. her ratatat of opinions and scenarios may be the best thing that i need at the moment. i can't just think by and for myself all the time. i've always been making decisions for myself but there are just times when i wish people could think and work things out for me...to guide me or nudge or push whichever is needed the most...

sigh. i feel like needing a warm chocolate drink and curling up to sleep.

comfort woman

ever wonder why most girls take too long going to the comfort room?

look now...wehehehe...

breaking free

funny how the idea of writing this struck while i was talking to him...he was asking for help...consulting what could be done...planning what's best to look forward to next...and my mind was fleeing far away from it...i wanted none of it anymore...i wanna be somewhere else...i long to be out there.

how can one actually say goodbye?

i remembered faltering one great deal a year ago...i knew i was gonna be kicked out...let go...be freed...

but no...after a while of deliberation...he thought it best for me to stay...he eventually forgave me...supported me...needed me.

needs me till now...

yeah, i seem to have this neurotic need to be needed...to be asked to stay.

but i dunno...this time i just want to be let go.

how i wish i know how.

will you please tell me how???

purp in boots

it's been a while

since i've really worn shoes

i could barely walk straight

and my feet kinda hurt.

sigh...

my flips are still

and will always be a bliss.

weh!