these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile
that i've never shown before...(Staind)
I guess life wants to play tricks on us sometimes. Just when I thought I only want to stay cool and hide from the rest of the world I get into a situation where I can’t help but let my defenses down. It can prove to be pretty scary but the more I fight it, the more I brush it off, it becomes more nagging that it’s just easier to give in and go with the flow.
I have thought of a lot of grave negative reasons not to fall but I get a million more to just let go and embrace it all. Yeah, I claim how bad I’ve been battered and bruised and how jaded I’ve become but being here, being in this situation now makes me feel how good it is to be breathing each day, drinking each moment, savoring even the uncertainty.
And now I get to feel all the mush of being giddy with just seeing the places we used to go to or even just pass by. Places I used to carelessly walk by but now make me heave a deep sigh and paint that sly smile on my face in spite of some sense of longing I’ve never felt before.
Things have gone a-rosy once more. And hope just springs from everywhere. And although I sometimes get to sense fear of the unknown, of what is uncertain, I pray, choose and decide each day to just let it all slide off. I have learned to trust my intuitions and bask at the warmth of it all.
This brings to mind some words I’ve read from way, way back, when Robert Kincaid from the Bridges of Madison County ultimately told Francesca Johnson that:
"in this world of ambiguity this kind of certainty comes only once, and never again, no matter how many lifetimes you live".
I am indeed allowing myself to just fall into this uncertainty hoping that it can lead me to my certainty. I am taking my risk but I feel I am glorified by my choice. I am glad I am here and I have this right now.
I know I am blabbering once more. But I just want to say all this hoping I could still give you that big stupid grin on your face. Muchos gracias and happy birthday!