irrationalities

something just came over me when i was about to board that train tonight, something which made me just turn around and retreat my steps. i guess there are just times when it's but easy to give in to one's whims. to just walk away and hope against hope that the people who are expecting you will understand without asking for an explanation.

i'm not saying i ought to be forgiven unquestionably. but i am hoping just the same that they will.

i guess it was just some plain expression of disappointment. of frustration. of not fighting it. that instead of going on and keeping a straight face i chose to just retreat and hide in the comforts of my darkened room.

no explanations. no more questions for now, please.

i was bratty. i am bratty. and i will always be. take me for what i am.

it is when times like this when i'd get to ask myself again:

was i brought up the wrong way?

was i overindulged as a kid that even at this age i'd still get to throw tantrums and act irrationally?

or is this how i'm just wired?

i've always liked to believe that i am patient. i have learned to understand people the best way i could. i'd seek for answers on my own. i could even invent/make up rationalizations on their behalf even before i'd get to hear their explanations if only for me to understand and forgive.

it's one mean feat but that's is how i'd like to deal with the people close to me. i prefer not to confront, to shout back, to question, to demand.

unless when i'm totally provoked.

i'm not that strong. i can't keep a straight face all the time.

a lot of questions still hover around me. but i still would like to believe that i know what i want. i'm just praying and hoping that what i want wants me too.

i'm not making sense.

i just need some hugs. bear hugs please.

frustrated...

...with a capital F hehe.

watched the Lifehouse concert hoping to hear at least my fave song from them which is Breathing. Blind, Spin, Everything, and Sick Cycle Carousel were but secondary and yet they didn't sing them as well except for Blind.
they sang mostly the new ones and those which i'm not familiar really. sad, sad, sad.
and yes, we were surrounded by screaming high school girls, woe to our eardrums haha!



P.S. Jason Wade isn't that hot after all.

in memoriam

yeah, sorry but i fell asleep on some parts of Dark Knight but it was more because i barely had sleep during our Manila-Baguio trip and we just dropped by SM Baguio when the rains got so hard that we couldn't go anywhere else to sightsee.

but i did remember almost wanting to cry during that scene when Joker (Heath Ledger) was being interrogated in the precinct. he just acted so well i felt so sad he's actually gone. i realized how it great it must be if we could still see more of his prowess.

we could only wonder what characters he could still portray so well and carve out a better niche for himself.



his images reminded me of another fallen hero i've grown to love as well, Bruce Lee's only son Brandon Lee who portrayed Eric Draven in one of the movies of The Crow. Like his father and Heath Ledger, he too met some untimely death when they were on the prime of their careers.

midway through the movie, i sent a text message to my sister that i'd want The Crow's poster back so i can have it in my room. The poster has been given to me by a college friend back in the 90s and i suddenly missed it so bad. i vow to watch my dvd again soon when i have the time, if only to recall the poetry, the morbidity of it all.

and yes, i still have to watch Dark Knight one more time so i can actually appreciate it in full.

to our fallen heroes, so long....

ref attack!

for now, there's nothing but a couple of beers, some eggs, and chocolates inside my ref. but i'm pretty hoping they are more than enough to keep my hormonal self some company for now.

for now.

when it's Sandman that's keeping you awake

i just got this gem at the powerbooks MOA last weekend for barely P700!

i had to get it pricey as it is as the last Sandman graphic novel that i got was its prequel which was the Season of Mists and i do want to buy and read it as chronologically as possible.

i have to say it's hard reading this at night, the scenes were pretty gory and i just had to finish reading it even if it was like 4am or else i'd dream about being in their weird dreams haha!

oh well, i still have 7 books to go including the first 2 books which i just read somewhere but haven't got a copy still. and i hope to complete all 10 in my lifetime. so help me, Morpheus.

freedom to commute

I’ve to say I’m not really a commuter. I’ve lived and worked here in Katipunan eversince I relocated here more than ten years ago. The nearest I could go to safely by jeep must be in Cubao hehe…the rest, I’d just easily hail and hop on some cab to take me wherever. Yup, I’ve been called by my close friends as their resident “taxi girl”.

LRTs and MRTs have changed my life a bit when they were still new and exciting but I went back to patronizing the ever convenient and reliable taxi cabs after a while.

But with this frequent fuel increases and the taxi drivers getting more and more masungit and mataray every minute I just can’t help but scramble for the better alternatives. Thus today, when my sister asked me for an errand to the Intramuros, I just thought of buying myself store valued tickets for both the lrt2 purple line and the mrt. Oh well, it will expire in 6 months and I’m supposed to be able to have one more free ride before consumption. Not that I’m supposed to be regularly commuting to the places plied by these trains anyway, at least I’ll have them handy whenever we need to go to Gateway or to Ayala or to watch eigai sai in Shangrila or just have some siomai in Jenn’s place in Shaw, yey!

Sana lang 24 hours na sila for the nocturnal people like us. It must really be fun!

I dunno up to when I’d be able to sustain this vigor to commute once more. I remember I stopped taking taxis for a while too when they raised the flag down rate from P25 to P30. And I’m here I am now vowing to lessen my taxi rides with the impending raise of its flag down from P30 to P40 this time. Let’s see, let’s see.

un-jinxed!

i had initial misgivings about watching this game, after all it's been years since i saw one live. and in those few games that i've seen our team has always lost. i've thought that watching our team losing over and over again has told me to just stop watching it live. there's more comfort in watching it on tv anyway with replays and comments most especially about technicalities and all. yeah right!



and it did came into my mind that i might have some jinx somewhere that should stop me from watching anymore of this game.

but i thought i'd give it a try one more time. after all it's been years and hopefully such jinx has waned a bit hehehe.

back home my brother was also watching and i asked him to let Xan wear his blue jersey and to send me his pic which he did. some desperate attempt?

all through out the game i guess i just drank the heady feeling of being in a coliseum-full of basketball fanatics cheering for their respective teams. i'm no basketball junkie. i don't really know the technicalities, all i'd note is on who's holding the ball, which court each shot takes place, and who's the current hottie player wehehe...

but the feeling of being a mere speck of hopeful amidst the sea of blue and green fanatics can be overwhelming. i've only been an atenean for 4 years yet i feel that i will be for the rest of my life. i look around and i see middle aged spectators still beaming that same smile, same pride they must have had years and years ago when they were in their youth. it's just amazing really, and i can't blame them, look what i'm doing to Xan!

and yes, there's always half-time! nothing beats the exhilaration too of watching and being able to cheer with our team. too bad i don't know some cheers already.


i was praying over and over again for our boys not to let us down this time. not only for myself but for the man with me who is only able to watch this game once a year if his sked permits and who i was hoping will change my personal history with these games.

and thanks to chris tiu, we actually got it! i finally realized we could actually win this game after the other team's misses and Tiu's frequent attempts at the free-throws. with each second ticking and each point counted i finally felt the sense of sweet, awesome victory.


forgive the drama but i realized i miss singing our school hymn for once. the feeling is totally overwhelming. there are no words to describe it. and there's more vigor in singing it when we've actually won the game.

LSS

nagising ako with this nagging song in mind:

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I'm miserable now

In my life
Why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die ?


bat naman ganun?
oh well, sana gumanda pa ang araw ko.

when some trips are not to be meant as vacations

...but an eyeopener, there's really no room for ranting. the 2-hour bus ride from Tacloban to Ormoc made me think about a lot of things that has been going on.

i've been here a couple of days and it's but sad that i got here right after typhoon frank struck the country. i've seen how a lot of trees were uprooted in ateneo, how a lot of branches were still scattered all over the streets right before i left. but that was nothing compared to the shanties, the ricefields, the tall trees ravaged by the typhoon here in Leyte.

at least, the most these uprooted trees in the ateneo is litter the streets, or made us sad for the trees we've had around for a long time. but these ravages in leyte tell us that lives and livelihoods have been lost as well.

this makes me think of the past days when i've been wanting to scream unfair to the people who i felt have done me wrong. of how i felt i was neglected or taken for granted. i am reminded that each person has their own needs and priorities. that i am not really the center of the world. besides, i am special already, i need not be treated more special anymore, right?
i am reminded that there really is more to life than thinking of our own needs and caprices. sometimes it really is best to give back to the world once in a while.

i was jolted from my reverie when a bucket of water was splashed on our faces. i wanted to scream bloody murder but i realized that it's the feast of St. John the Baptist and here in the provinces, water splashing is still custom. i could not help but just welcome it and thank them in a way for giving life to my otherwise boring, depressing trip.

life indeed goes on in this part of the world. storms come and go but we should not really take it as some hindrance to continue smiling, celebrating life. oh well, i'm getting a bit mushy i need to back off already.

1218am

on the way home from one great drinking session with friends, i actually thought how nice it would be if the taxi i'm taking could just crash on some wall or some other car as it cruises swiftly along C5 in libis.

morbid, yeah, but at least i'll have the memory of my friends' incessant laughter ringing in my ears as i meet my eternal peace.

wanting for more...

they say a grand vacation should be enough to satisfy all those longings you've had in life. when you're all weary and tired from our day to day issues we can't help but dream of going away and just frolic in the sun or even the rain.

did just that a few days ago with my wacky, crazy friends and just had a blast.

nope, i'm not gonna say anything about our worthless tour operator anymore as he really isn't worth it. we're all but lucky that we are all good friends who could support each other even if he has managed to make monsters out of everyone of us. oh well.

the more than 13 hours of land trip to Pagudpud in Ilocos Norte may be too long but seeing all these just made it really worth it.

Saud Beach

Maira-ira Beach (Blue Lagoon)




sunset at the beach with great friends

capture, memorize each moment. at least once in our weary lives we had this moment. just us, and the stillness of the waters as the sun slowly bids adieu to us all.
ahh, bliss. such serenity, such calmness.

jumpshot at the bangui windmills

at Calle Crisologo in Vigan where time must have stood still as we gallivant around as if we owned every nook and cranny of it.

i'm indeed so glad we had it all, not just these photos but the memories that will forever be embedded in our hearts and minds. just the same, for most of our insatiable selves, i'd still want, badly need some more.

suma...

akalain nyo, sumasampung taon na din pala ako dito sa trabaho ko. waaah!

it just dawned on me how i must have "wasted" away all ten years being holed up where i am. looking back though, ten years, 6 countries, country-wide tours, hundreds of lives touched and recognized, with Xan in between isn't really so bad after all.

just that for some reason i still feel sad. empty. unfulfilled.

i still feel that a part of me should be somewhere else. doing something else.

haay, i've got all the travel perks, the luxury of coming to work no matter what time i'd wish to come. do whatever i want in my own sweet time. there's not enough monetary gains involved but it really shouldn't matter that much eh?

ten years, whoa! so what and where i am now after all those ten years???

plain grateful

indeed it makes me proud thinking and saying to people that i could make it on my own. that i've always been independent and no one could just tell me what and what not to do.

i may have shown sheer strength and composure amidst stressful times. i may have convinced myself and the rest of humanity that i am indeed patience and strength personified.

but i have to start admitting to myself and to everyone else that it's but a cover up.

in truth, i'm just one hell of a scared girl always wary about letting my defenses down.


wow, i didn't mean for it to come out that way. i initially wanted to start out this blogpost as some review for the movie Sex and the City which i saw a week ago. quite long overdue eh but a lof things happened lately and it just had to take a backseat.

but i realize now that more than anything else, my review for the film might still be able to come out while i get to thank all my friends, girls and boys alike out there.

it is indeed nice know that while these SATC girls, Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte got each other I myself have my own set of Mirandas and Charlottes, and Carries, and Samanthas in my midst too.

I'd like to take this chance to show my appreciation and gratitude to my friends back in grade school and high school namely Lala, Sugar, Den-den, Mitz, Inah, Lol, Jap, etc.

My college friend, Ron who's going to leave me soon too. *sniff-sniff*

My housemates Jenn, Andrea, Ai, Tsak, Andy, Juju, Mimi, Ellaine, Ally, Ian, hebe (Jen).

My kalandian Haze, Oliver (nils), Rene (lolo blue) Mark (darth), Flor , etc

Some people i barely know who sent me messages. and those i regularly bug online when i'm not feeling so good about myself.

My officemates esp. Phen, and Ramil (who came back and took a lot of load off my back yey!) and my boss for giving in to my demands haha!

Tsak, for the hugs and everything else.

Xan, my mom and my family for always giving me the roots to go back to anytime.

And for the entire universe for reminding me over and over again that i am loved, that i am important, that when all else seems to be not going great as i want them to be, i am assured that my back's being covered. that there will always be someone/twos/threes who can hold my hand and assure me that things will just be alright.

oh well, just watch the movie and get to bask at the feeling of being with good friends for all time.

Bantayan Is., Cebu

this has been one of my dream destination for sometime now. and i just got so excited when our trip finally pushed through last May 27-29!

located on the northern part of Cebu, Bantayan Island is one breathtaking place you won't mind trekking to. I did my prior research from an online forum and some websites and just made bookings and travelling easier.

i wasn't prepared for some details though. we left for the Northern Bus Terminal around 6am as suggested as aircon buses are suposed to be scheduled as early as 7am each day. we were told however that aircon trips were already cancelled. we boarded the next non-aircon bus which was to leave at 730 although it was already full only a short while that it parked and waited. Fare is at PhP55.00 each. it was quite a long 3 hours of a little bit of rough road and warm weather. i'm not so sure if that's a normal occurence but it could be that Bogo town, the town right before Hagnaya port, had it's annual fiesta but men and women carrying some kids would hop on standing on the aisles, squeezing themselves unto the rather small bus. yup, it's not even the usual Victory-big buses we have here in Manila. it was a bit tiring three hours huh. gladly though, most passengers already alighted at Bogo town, where indeed they had their town fiesta. about 30 minutes off Bogo we finally reached Hagnaya port where we had to board a fastcraft for the town of Sta. Fe where the resorts are located. Fare is at Php150 and about an hour and a half later, we finally reached our destination.



i have made prior reservations at Kota Beach Resort, one of the suggested resorts and I've already made contact with their driver to pick us up at the airport. yes, one of the reasons why i chose the resort is its free transfers.



our cottage cost us PhP 1560 per day good for 3 persons plus and additional mattress for an extra person costing another PhP200.00. Not bad really as it is big and comfortable enough for the 4 of us. and this is the sight that greets you outside:





fine powdery white sand that could stretch on to forever indeed. and Kota is strategically located in one corner making you feel like you have your own private beach. and there's a vacant stretch of beach just beside it for that "marooned in an island" feel.



food is a bit expensive in the resort though. a cup of rice is at PhP17 and main dishes range from PhP145 to 200 good for 2-3 persons. you could opt to buy fresh foods at the nearby market and have them cook it for you for a whopping P200 per kilo. we asked around and learned that a store just beside the school near the resort accepts paluto though at P40 per dish. we found a better deal.



this meal, our dinner later that day cost us barely PhP 200 including rice and a 1.5 liter bottle of coke zero. a far cry from the PhP700 i spent at the resort's restaurant that lunchtime.



on our second day, we rented a boat to head off to what they call as Virgin Is. for more beach and snorkeling. the trip cost us PhP800 for the banca rental, PhP300 for the island entrance fee and another PhP100 for the 2 snorkeling masks. cheap enough knowing that island hopping in other islands could fetch up to PhP1800 to 3000 huh!



Their Virgin Is. is about a 25 minute boat ride from Kota passing by the many resorts. what we saw there is more powdery fine white sand and crystal clear waters. there are cottages around the area and some pit were the boatmen themselves could grill fish and meat for us. we bought a big enough fish at the market before we left for like P60. grilling was free this time courtesy of our manong bangkero.




we spent our half day there swimming and exploring the island. just be careful of jelly fishes though as they seem to abound the waters. you may want to try out Godiva's safe sea sunblock with anti-jelly fish stings (plugging! hehe)

back at Kota, a group of local and some tourists were enjoying the late afternoon sun on the sandbars skimboarding! wow, if only i had enough courage to skimboard again i could have tried it anew. oh well.



i had such a great time there. i fell so in love with the place and i hope i could go back again. i hope they will bring back the aircon buses though. just the same, the ride is still well worth it. and i hope they won't soil the place too much by adding in more establsihments, jacking up the prices for tourists and not regularly cleaning the area. so far, everything is almost perfect there already.




more pics here.

and more info about the place at wowbantayan.com.

and oh, please check out PAL rates before booking anywhere else. I got my Cebu-Manila airfare with them at PhP2300 compared to CebuPac's more than Php3k!

withdrawals...

...of every kind is never fun.

it's been a week straight since i've stayed home minus any internet connection. and it's just extra hard. i could connect to ym via my celphone but it's an entirely different thing. most often i would wake up in the middle of the night wondering what's new in cyberspace haha! pathetic but yeah, it is totally true.

my only solace is that it's been raining hard almost everyday and sleep is such a wonderful respite. the thing is, i've been sleeping till mid day almost everyday and it's wreaking havoc on my stomach naman. i don't have any food at home yet, by the time i get to the office i'd be too hungry to eat. i have to take smaller portions of my meal each day and most often i would have to force food down my throat. it's like being in college all over again with my ever present hyperacidity. haaay, this needs to change. i need to gain back my appetite real quick. my bones are slowly sticking out and i don't really enjoy losing weight this way.

and i miss my friends. i miss not being able to keep in touch with them all day, all night. i'd hear of sad stories once in a while and it makes me feel uncomfortable not being around when i feel they need me most. oh well. i feel though that they are strong enough to weather whatever storms that come their way. but then again i'm always just a text or an offline message away anyway.

i'm off to cebu this weekend yi-ha! finally! i'm taking Xan and my mom with me for some much needed QT. i'm really just hoping that i'll be blessed with some sun on those days.

and Tsak is finally home! too bad his first week has to be spent on one errand after another amidst jetlag and adjustments with this hot/humid weather. i'm hoping things will settle down a bit soon and he could finally enjoy his much needed vacation.

Change is indeed inevitable, just don't make it too abrupt otherwise the nasty effects of withdrawal symptoms could be ravishing. i'm not enjoying it too much. it could actually become stressfull. my hyperactive stomach seems to be carrying all the weight of all these flurries. slowly but surely, i hope to get used to it. little by little, piecemeal changes is indeed the better way to go.

online scrapbooking is actually fun!

i chanced upon this site where i could actually create scrapbook pages and have them printed out. at least i'll have more creative decors on my wall instead of just the framed and printed out photo. try it if you can!

toying with uncertainty

the past days, even weeks has been quite too gruelling for me what with all the waiting for some document which could finally kick off our project.

i honestly don't want to rant anymore. i feel like i've exhausted all my anxieties already which is almost comparable to waiting for one's period which might never come.

oops, of course i'm not saying that it will never come but with all these energy news floating around i wouldn't be too surprised. and it has been months. and am not so good with waiting. there is still that littlest part of me though that wants to continue hoping but right now i just want to expect whatever.

so maybe i'll just have to wake up one of these days without a job. what if? what if?

who knows, right?

yeah, i've been wanting to leave this job but am just too lazy to do anything about it. maybe i'm just waiting for some stronger force to kick myself off from where i'm currently, stubbornly embedded.

maybe i should finally update my resume now. gawd, i don't even know what to put in it anymore.

oh well, i still have another week to hope, and to mope, and to wait again.

sigh.


P.S. to everyone who's been affected by my own "feeling vulnerable and all too sensitive" nature, my apologies. i hope you could bear with me for another week or so. mwah-mwah!

P.P.S. there's another tiny pimple on my nose. ahihihi.

grouchy

i'm so freakin tired of waiting.

i just want to head on with my plans already.

and i miss Xan so bad.

the next AI??

David Archuleta might indeed be IT.

right now i'm rooting for Syesha Mercado though.

i'd be bitter if David Cook makes it kse Daughtry only made it to top 4.

and Jason is just not idol material, pwde siyang pang front act though hehe...